Nigerians are the complete package —there’s the good, the bad, the completely hilarious, the effortlessly sadist, the beautiful natured, and the utterly ugly.
We came up with the list of all the things that motivate the actions of all Nigerians; some generic, others exclusive to a certain few.
1. We want to be accepted.
The sense of feeling accepted is why there’s a thing called bandwagon in the first place. Nigerians want to feel a sense of belonging, since it gives a sense of identity.
2. We want to matter.
Many Nigerians don’t just want to be accepted, they want to feel a sense of relevance. This is why we like to remind you how we once shared elevator with a Bank CEO because telling you that automatically makes you see us as important.
3. We want to be seen as balling.
Even if it means putting up an appearance. Even if it all comes down to borrowed shoes, borrowed shirts, borrowed chains, borrowed destiny. This here is why we have mastered the art of selfies where Macbooks and nice cars accidentally decorate the background.
4. Sometimes we want to see people fail.
Nothing turns Nigerians on like saying “Shebi I told you?”
So for our you-can’t-do prophecies to work in your life, you have to fail fail fail!
5. We want to be seen as authorities.
Its why we love degrees even if they really don’t make us better, and why Google is such a great friend to us. So while we might be geniuses, and omni-knowing on the internet, we feel vulnerable when we can’t Google answers during real-life conversations.
6. We want to be seen as sacrificial.
“Do you know how much this country has offered me that I rejected?” Yeah yeah, we know.
7. We want to blow.
Bear in mind that ‘hammer’ and ‘blow’ are not the same thing. Hammer involves work, blowing involves lying down while the money runs to you.
8. We love Olajumoke stories.
Because they are fairy tales, and because it shows that we all serve a living God. So anyone who tries to tell us we might never get our own Olajumoke story, we slaughter them.
9. We love laughter.
Yes. Yes. We spend millions every year to find new ways to laugh. We love our comedy skits, because lets face it; Nigeria is hard. Nigeria is very hard. Even when it looks like paying to laugh is too expensive, we make jokes of our misery. Suffering and smiling.
10. We want to be the first to be seen as pioneers.
But why would you blame us? Its probably an old habit from primary school days.
So you’ll see first hospital in so and so, first to start using POS, first to start having sense, etc. All lies.
11. We like to be seen as layered.
“You don’t know me and what I’ve been through.”
12. We want to be seen as not giving a fuck.
Because showing you actually care is a sign of weakness. Showing we care about something we are intimidated by is a sign that we will die young. Continue.
13. We want to stand out every time.
And because of this, we all end up standing out altogether, in the same place. Like how everyone wants to quickly use a different phone or style and everyone ends up wanting to use the same phone and style, and everyone ends up ditching it for something else.
14. We want to be shocked.
Every single time. It’s why we like clickbait headlines that say ‘REVEALED’,- they never reveal anything,- or stories like ‘Man chops daughter’s head.’ Because as long as the danger is a safe distance from us, we might as well be thrilled about it.
15. We don’t want to lose anything.
Its why we talk talk talk about everything that’s wrong but still can’t be bothered about taking real action, because that one is expensive. This is why we blame people that die while doing the right thing by saying “but why did he even do it?” instead of making sure no one else dies trying to do the same thing.
16. We want to go to heaven.
So even with all our flaws, we don’t joke with our heaven.