Not so long ago in a zoo far away, Cincinnati, USA to be precise, there lived a gorilla named Harambe.
A little boy at the zoo kept talking about how he wanted to be with the gorilla so bad, but no one took him seriously. So he sneaked and climbed the barrier, falling 10ft into the Gorilla’s moat.
The gorilla is reported to have dragged this little boy around for up to 10 minutes, before finally being shot by zookeepers. With live rounds.
The boy is going to make a full recovery from his wounds, but the Internet has not recovered from the death of Harambe.
So what would have happened if Harambe was in a Nigerian zoo? First we need to understand that animals are broadly classified into two in Nigeria;
They are either peppersoup ingredient.
Or ones that can turn to witch any forking time.
Can we all agree that no zoo in Nigeria is going to spare any gorilla that does such? Last year, a lion escaped from a wildlife park in Jos, Plateau State. It was hunted and killed. Not because it attacked anyone, but because it slipped out of the cage.
So in Nigeria, the cages at the zoo are not to keep the tourists safe. They are to keep the animals safe from people.
Back to Harambe.
After he has been killed in a Nigerian zoo, there are three things involved; he could be taken to the National Veterinary Institute for embalming and possibly research.
He could be buried. And also possibly, could be used as peppersoup ingredient.
So when the zookeeper tells one of the workers to go and bury it, he’s going to be like,
But he’ll take it to the highway and try to sell it like this.
Or take it home to his friends and declare the Butcher Games open.
They’d cut it up real nice like those whales that wash up at Lagos beaches.
Now, to the boy that fell into the Gorilla’s hold.
He’d probably wish Harambe adopted him, because his mum is going to beat the sonhood out of him.
Of course, anybody at the zoo that calls the parent careless will get this look.
Anybody that tells the zoo management to fix their safety issues will hear “There’s no light and fuel”.
And when you tell the zoo worker who is trying to sell Harambe not to, he’ll be like.
“Tomato done cost. Fuel done cost.”