All the things that happen when the Special Anti-Robbery Squad visits you

“Do you want to live or do you want to die?”

Nkem-Owoh Osuofia

This is all of your existence in one question, but the men of the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (S.A.R.S) want Mutiu to answer this sharp sharp.

“Of course I want to live,” he says, with eight armed men in mufti spread before him.

“Oya enter vehicle.”

Osuofia enter with style

They don’t even rough him up. So civil.

It’s all fun and games until Mutiu gets to their office and they tell him to off shirt and trouser.

Fat man shirtless

It is that time one realises the importance of always wearing clean boxers.

“What’s all this?” Mutiu keeps asking, all the while talking about rights and all that sturvs. They just look at him like,

Buhari media chat4

“Go and sit down there,” one officer directs him to a corridor.

At this point, his human rights are about to go on a commercial break.

Obama Dont touch that dial

He notices someone lying down opposite him, at a very awkward angle. Even worse, the person isn’t moving at all. That’s because he is dead.

Dead as dodo.


It’s all part of the welcome party, so you know they aren’t playing. Next is the grand reception.

Mutiu is now sitting on the ground, one officer in front of him with a rifle. Another behind him with a shovel. The shovel is there to ensure he’ll call a spade a spade.

These guys are deep like that.

“You be armed robber abi you no be armed robber?” they ask.

Okon Trouble

But before Mutiu can answer, a shovel lands on his back. Forget the devil and the deep blue sea. Behind him is a man inflicting serious pain with a shovel, before him is another man whose rifle can inflict even more pain.

“You dey follow Uche rob abi?”

Jordan crying innocent

Quickly, the men pounce on him like,

Police Jollof Afrolems

See grown man crying like

Dam burst cry meme

Yesterday, Mutiu was just another 20-something year old real estate guy trying to make a living and live baby boy life, today they are flogging him with a shovel.

Uche on the other hand is a car snatcher, and Mutiu just happened to be on the list of most recent transactions since he sold a land to Uche.

Wouldn’t it have been perfect if Uche was here to say Mutiu is innocent?


Well, Uche is dead, and its very doubtful that the officers know exactly where Uche’s body is. That means TB Joshua can’t even bring the body back to life.

So you see, Mutiu was in deep shit.

Chris Tucker facepalm

In another session, there was someone else in the room. Just about Mutiu’s age. Tall, light skin, and fresh looking like he spends a lot of his days inside air-conditioning.

Then an officer points at him, “you I dey shoot you that day you dey shoot back abi?”

Our fresh boy just gives the officer unlooking.

They administer the shovel medicine on him, among other things, and our fresh boy starts to confess. In fact, the officers take him on a date and they return with weapons and more guests.


Fast forward to Mutiu leaving three days later. They tell him they knew he was innocent, but wanted to be sure there was no other he could part with.
Obama crying

And life went on, like everything else.


Disclaimer: This is not a work of fiction. Mutiu’s real name is not used so they don’t visit again. If you work with SARS, please pretend this is Nollywood film.

God bless you.

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The Fu'ad

That go-to guy for different sturvs. Books and the Internet have taken him to Mars. He still loves his Garri with very cold water. Yeah, Content and Copy rock.

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