This year’s Oscars lacked diversity, we all know that. Asides from the fact that black people were not well represented in the nominees (and winners) list, the greatness that is Nollywood failed to get even a mention. Again.
But this time,
So since they have failed to nominate great works like Igwe Tupac’s Original Score and the legendary Francis Odega and his Gerrarrahia shtick, we are reimagining their biggest movies as Nollywood films.
The Big Short
Synopsis: The Big Short explores the 2008 financial crisis through the lens of four unorthodox moneymen, who foresaw the consequences of the fraudulent mortgage-lending practices of large banks on Wall Street.
Nollywood: The movie which is inspired by true events tells the story of a man and his crew who foresaw the loss of the administration he worked for at the forthcoming elections, and siphoned $2.1 billion, to stop it from happening. Will the man suffer the consequences of his actions or get away with it like everyone before him?
Grab your copy to find out.
Mad Max: Fury road
Synopsis: An apocalyptic story set in the furthest reaches of our planet, a stark desert landscape where humanity is broken, and almost everyone is crazed fighting for the necessities of life. Within this world exist two rebels on the run who just might be able to restore order. There’s Max, a man of action and few words, who seeks peace of mind following the loss of his wife and child in the aftermath of the chaos. And Furiosa, a woman of action who believes her path to survival may be achieved if she can make it across the desert, back to her childhood homeland.
Nollywood: Set in the insurgency-ravaged lands of North-East Nigeria where an army of terrorists are fighting to rule the land and own all the resources, a man allies with a former terrorist (who failed to detonate her suicide bomb vest) to rescue some girls who were kidnapped by the terrorists, brainwashed and converted into baby factories.
The Revenant
Synopsis: In an expedition of the uncharted American wilderness, legendary explorer Hugh Glass is brutally attacked by a bear and left for dead by members of his own hunting team. In a quest to survive, Glass endures unimaginable grief as well as the betrayal of his confidant John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy). Guided by sheer will and the love of his family, Glass must navigate a vicious winter in a relentless pursuit to live and find redemption.
Nollywood: Some young men desperate for riches go in search of the legendary Nwanyi Asaba who is believed to enrich people who suck her maggot-infested breasts. Something goes wrong and one of them is left behind in the evil forest to survive. Here is a leaked photo of Nwanyi,
This is an important movie for young people who are looking for quick wealth.
Ex-Machina
Synopsis: The reclusive CEO of a hi-tech company recruits a brilliant young computer programmer to evaluate his latest invention – a highly advanced android named Ava, supplied with the most advanced Artificial Intelligence ever conceived. Meanwhile, despite their intelligence and formidable reputations, the two men fail to realize just how easily they can be manipulated by a machine that’s as beautiful as it is brilliant.
Nollywood: Based on the bestselling book ‘Lagoon’ by Nnedi Okafor, where aliens invade Africa, this movie tells the story of a shape shifting alien. This is a tale of love, betrayal, and destruction.
Bridge Of Spies
Synopsis: In this historical drama set during the Cold War, a Brooklyn attorney is tasked with negotiating a prisoner exchange between an American pilot who was shot down over the USSR and a Soviet spy serving a 45-year sentence for espionage against the U.S. Bridge of Spies.
Nollywood: Can’t work here. When Nigerian pilots are held by terrorists, the military denies them. Like this officer in 2014,
The Hateful Eight
Synopsis: Bounty hunter John “The Hangman” Ruth and his dangerous prisoner Daisy Domergue encounter a treacherous blizzard en route to her sentencing in Wyoming. During their stagecoach ride they come across another bounty hunter, Major Marquis Warren, and former Confederate rebel leader Chris Mannix. Seeking refuge from the weather, the group chart a course for a mountain cabin to wait out the storm. There, they meet four other traveling strangers with whom they must share the stuffy confines until the end of the blizzard. Tensions eventually boil over as each individual has his or her own agenda in this inventive Western, which is set in the aftermath of the American Civil War.
Nollywood: Set in the swamps of the Niger Delta, kidnappers are holding the wife of a wealthy oil baron. Trouble begins when some of the gang members begin to have ulterior motives.
It is a tale of violence and betrayal.
Room
Synopsis: Held captive for nearly a decade in a tiny shed converted into a living space, a single mother (Brie Larson) and her five-year-old son break away from their captor after a daring escape. The mother and son are thrown back into society after years of isolation and struggle to adjust to life outside the room. Lenny Abrahamson directs this deeply emotional drama based on the novel by Emma Donoghue.
Nollywood: A man kidnaps a woman with the intention of using her son for money rituals when he grows up. To God be the glory, they manage to escape and suffer emotional stress and trauma from travelling round Nigeria to give stories of her breakthrough and deliverance. Oh! and their pastor gets rich too.
Spotlight
Synopsis: When the Boston Globe’s tenacious “Spotlight” team of reporters delves into allegations of abuse in the Catholic Church, their year-long investigation uncovers a decades-long cover-up at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishment, touching off a wave of revelations around the world.
Nollywood: Nope. Can’t work here. Our Christian and Muslim clergymen are too anointed and infallible for this to even be made an issue. Under the carpet is where it will be swept.
Shame on you Boston Globe.
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