The essential guide to becoming a Nigerian politician

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by Aisha Salaudeen

You are probably wondering why on earth you’d even consider joining Nigerian politics. Well, let me be straight to the point on this.

You get away with murder and corruption.

Abba Looking

No one cares if you divert funds meant for the masses to your private account.Sambo small play

Or if you deliberately allow a dangerous terrorist group to thrive.

Mug of tea

You’re above the law, duh!

Everyone will respect you.

Salute Happy Weekend

You will have women kneeling and men prostrating to you.

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They will all refer to you as ‘Sir’ ‘Honourable’ and ‘Your Excellency’ — No one will dare call you by your full name.You will have streets named after you, hospitals and even town halls — all in your name. Who wouldn’t like that?

Here’s what you have to do.

Package yourself.

In business, it is almost always about branding and packaging. Your product does not have to be spectacular . Properly advertise/market it and you’re a step ahead. Nigerian politicians are no different.

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Give out money to youths and old women publicly.

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Tell the whole world how much you care about the Nigerian economy, throw in some big words and economic terms while you’re at it to confuse people and prevent them from asking annoying questions. Donate funds to building of schools, churches, roads, mosques and so on.

Davido money

Make sure while donating everyone is aware. You have no business doing this in secret, make noise about all the good things you are doing. Go on radio and TV and let the whole world know how much of a philanthropist you are. This is how you launch your career. Don’t forget to brand cups, food items, bags, drinks and books in your name, let everybody know that you distributed all those items.

PDP rice

‘Good’ is overrated.

The worst thing you can do to yourself as a Nigerian politician is to be honest, decent and free from corruption. In fact you should be the opposite of all those things. Do not be good! Initially I said it is about packaging but that’s just about it. You’re only pretending to be good, you really shouldn’t be. Being good will take you nowhere in Nigerian politics, instead the system will flush you out. We like touts and noisemakers; you have to be stubborn and unnecessarily loud.

Dino agbada

Do not be reasonable. Cause commotion wherever you go. When you arrive, people will know that you have ‘landed’. Make long speeches with big words; make up some words if you have to. Pretend to be intelligent, it works. Smile and act like you know what you are doing. Never listen to the so-called intelligent ones, they know nothing about politics. How many of our current politicians are honest? How many are decent and free from corruption? Learn from these people.

The Godfather factor.

You need a godfather to be successful in Nigerian politics; in fact without a godfather you are nothing. Take a look at our current politicians, they all have godfathers. Your godfather must be popular, rich and feared by many. He is of no use if he is not well known or if government officials do not tremble at the mention of his name. After getting a godfather to support you don’t ever forget to pay your dues to him.

Tinubu meme

Open mosques and churches in his name, donate money to events organised by your godfather, say great and amazing things about him to the press. In summary make your godfather feel on top of the world. If you make the mistake of annoying your godfather then you are finished. He can make or shake your entire political career, ensure you satisfy him at all times.

Religion is key.

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You have no place in politics if you are unable to twist religion to your advantage. Make sure you are backed up by religion. Let people see you in church every Sunday or in the mosque on Fridays. Or both.

Make Nigerians aware that you are constantly praying and fasting for things to get better. When the pastor starts to pray, let your Amen be the loudest! Sponsor thousands to Hajj if you can, donate millions to churches too. When questioned perhaps, by the press on certain issues you have no answers on tell them you went to church on Sunday and the Holy Spirit will soon reveal an answer.

After all did they not see you on TV praying in Pastor Adeboye’s church?

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