A bank is a financial establishment that uses money deposited by customers for investment, pays it out when required, makes loans at interest, and exchanges currency.
At least that’s what they want you to believe in the dictionary.
Just like everything else in Nigeria, banking is different here.
Here are the 5 types of banking obtainable in Nigeria.
1. Conventional banking
This is the one they taught you about in school, but they didn’t teach you what they do exactly. Like how they’ll charge you maintenance fee for your ATM card that you keep in your wallet, as if they change the engine oil or do the servicing.
We’re not here for this type, it is the other types we are interested in.
2. Cap banking
This type of banking is a special type of mobile banking where the customer deposits money for investments with his account officer, the money is then saved in a cap account. No caps do it better than Sokoto caps.
Ask Farouk Lawan.
3. Soakaway banking
This one pays more attention to foreign currency. It is the system of banking developed to beat the conventional banks because of their unlimited alerts, including EFCC alerts. You simply get a big plastic drum, since plastic can withstand all types of shit, stack your dollars in it, then keep it in your septic tank. Ask the former Chief of Air Staff Air Marshal Amosu.
4. Body banking
When it looks like Soakaway banking is temporary and EFCC is going to catch up with you anyway, you need to go with body banking. It is simple. Instead of swallowing cocaine, swallow money, and pray to God that you aren’t forced to shit at the airport.
We call that expensive shit.
5. Temple banking.
Be still. Stop panicking, stop running. Take off your slippers and drop your money. You’re now on holy ground. Receive the noble greetings of peace.
Nobody dares to ask God for money when you kept it with him unless they want his wrath to descend upon them. Plus, religious houses don’t get taxed anyway, so the money is tax-free.
And if things go south, like the EFCC, we can simply tell them it was a generous donation in charity to the Lord and bid them farewell to hell fire where they belong for daring to question God.
Now, who would you rather bank with?