There comes a time in every man’s life where he looks at the girl he is dating and admits to himself, ‘my hand never reach for this one’.
For me, that was Sheri (not her real name, obvs).
When I met Sheri, I had just graduated from dating high school girls. My first university relationship only lasted three months, and she dumped me for a final year student because ‘I no sabi work’. The thing pain me die, but if we’re being honest, home girl wasn’t wrong. I was only in 200 level from a konk Baptist family. Before that first relationship the format I knew was: Press bress small, shift pant to the side then mekwe.
It’s like the devil set leg for me, the day I met Sheri.
I was still managing myself after that first heartbreak so I dropped all my bad gang friends and faced my books. My life turned into a triangle; work, class, church. And Sheri, I didn’t know her, but I knew of her. One of those girls that they describe as ‘tear eye’. Sheri was already wearing Brazilian when everyone else was still wearing Darling Yaki. You can never catch her in real jeans, only leggings. I cannot count how many times, school security has told her to go and change because she didn’t pass dress code.
So when she came and sat down beside me in the library, I panicked.
Sheri, inside a Library?
I was even more shocked when she started talking to me. Appaz we were both taking the same elective course. She never came to class of course, so I didn’t even know till she told me.
“Those lecturers don’t tell me anything I can’t find out for myself. Besides you cannot toast somebody you don’t see.”
Before I knew I was laughing like pesin wey dey put hand for em nyash. That’s how I laughed to cafeteria, laughed 2k out of my wallet for her lunch.
She only eats turkey.
Sheri started coming to our elective class because I always kept a seat for her in the back and guarded it with my life. Then we’d hang out after class to ‘study’. That’s how I found out that underneath all that surface gra-gra, Sheri was just a JJC like me. But unlike me, home girl had done her research and was looking for a willing guinea pig to test all her hypotheses. See these ones, you think I wasn’t listening in class?
We started slow. Find one corner inside the love garden and chop face for a few hours. Sheri had heard somewhere it is possible to orgasm for oral stimulation. After three weeks of swollen lips and lying to everybody that I was having an allergic reaction I finally told her to rest.
Then we graduated to other things. First time she removed her blouse in front of me, I spent ten minutes looking at her breasts, I even weighed them, one in each hand, (for science) before I finally told her.
“It’s like they’re not equal.”
The look she gave me almost made wear my clothes and find my level, but hard guy.
I sha put mouth and sucked the things equally. Once we started offing clot, it was only a matter of time before we started kpanshing proper. And all those stories you’ve heard of girls not being able to last long…
My brother don’t play yourself.
Sheri is definitely not a human being. Somebody that should be winning gold in Olympic gymnastics was now doing routine in my bed. Reverse pile driver, doggy, Back bend split. At first the thing was sweet, in the back of my head I kept thinking of my ex and wishing I could ask her ‘Who sabi work now?’ I learnt to multi-task; mouth for breast, hand for the other one, second hand dey Dj when body dey mekwe. I was feeling like Lexington Steele.
Then one day she told me,
‘Baby, there’s something I want us to try.’
Instead of me to ‘NOPE’ that girl out of my house, me sef I was like, ‘What do you want baby?’
This girl’s voice didn’t even tremble as she said ‘I want you to put it in ‘here’.’
Me I didn’t want to fall hand, so me sef I put bass in my voice and asked her.
Sheri didn’t even answer, she just assumed the position, handed me a bottle and said: “Wet it first.”
Say what you want about me, I sha did it with my chest. It took a while and plenty of grease but everything entered. I now started work, found a rhythm. Before long sef I was forming pro and giving strokes. She was groaning but this was literally our first time, and each time I asked if she was alright Sheri said yes. I now added momentum, giving strokes just like she had taught me when next thing home girl grunted like a pig and slumped.
Erection died sharp-sharp. I screamed like a little bitch. I tried to shake her, even slapped her a few times, she just did one kain water-water move and slumped back. I grabbed my phone to call for help. Then I realized how stupid that would be, who could I call? With which mouth will I use to tell my parents that I killed somebody’s daughter with anal? Or my friends that I had abandoned because I was too busy kpanshing? I even wanted to pray but with which mouth?
When she made noise, I jumped!
“Ade? Help me up?”
The race I used to get Sheri up and into the bathroom surprised even me. The water seemed to revive her, and as soon as she could hold herself up, I hightailed it out of there. She came out a few minutes later, completely normal, as if she wasn’t dead on my carpet just minutes ago.
You know what the Ode now said; “Hope you didn’t panic? I took some Viagra before. I knew it can cause fainting, but I didn’t know it would actually happen.”
I wanted to konk her head, but I managed somehow to keep my temper and hustle her out of my house.
Never talked to her again.
As for if I ever tried anal again?