So like play like play we’ve reached a fourth episode of On The Real, the dead on arrival baby of the union between Access Bank’s Accelerate TV and Ebony Life TV’s web show production company. The first three episodes were frankly some of the worst acting, scripting and directing we’ve seen from New Nollywood, heck it’s even worse than Thirty Days In Atlanta.
But let’s not even rack our brains too hard and get into the episode.
Now that the reality show has a new cast member, it’s time to get new promo shots and where else to do it, than alternate show space Were House. Lolu and Faridah arrive first to the venue of the shoot, and she tries to get him to see what a colossally bad idea it is to introduce a new cast member in the middle of the show.
Because nobody is literate or has enough common sense to read their contracts, or even the script for the season, Faridah tries to use her ‘feminine wiles’ to convince Lolu to change his mind. Because, you know, a few kisses and a little vajayjay magic will miraculously erase already signed contracts.
Faridah throws a tantrum when Lolu doesn’t oblige her and devotes a solo diary session to telling us she ‘loves’ Lolu, and isn’t rubbing herself all over him because it gives her perks on the show.
And then the show’s writers waste two minutes and another solo diary session on a frankly pointless scene where Lolu berates B.J for dressing like an extra in DJ Khalid video. They waste another extra two minutes on B.J’s wardrobe choices, bringing Amaka and Wana to berate him some more instead of expatiating on Wana’s plan to oust Faridah as the show’s main character.
Also, this is a promotional campaign for the show, yet all the cast members are asked to bring their own clothes. I understand the writers of the show were looking for ways to create drama and fill out the episodes 14 minutes but seriously? This is what you choose?
Efosa finally introduces Auta to the gang (and at this point we have heard every single character murder the pronunciation of this two syllable name). I know On the Real has had more than its share of cringeworthy moments, but this one shot right to the top. First off they choose the worst angle to shoot the scene from, then Nancy Isime is so bad in this role she can’t even manage an awkward laugh, then she and Wana, the theatrical equivalent of paint drying flee without acknowledging Auta, then Faridah basically jumps her. They should have just skipped this scene entirely, nobody in the history of life needed to be subjected to this.
So everyone’s all dressed up and ready for the shoot. There are six cast members instead of five and Lolu has to explain to dimwitted Faridah that six people means there is no ‘middle’. Faridah predictably throws a tantrum and storms off the set, disrupting the shoot. And then as if we haven’t toiled through enough horrible directorial decisions, we get yet another diary session defending Faridah’s stupidity.
This makes no sense. The show revolves around Efosa and Faridah’s ‘high profile’ relationship, which means the show is about the two of them. So the show having six cast mates makes things even easier, but no… why bother with common sense when you write pointless drama.
Immediately after the shoot is disrupted, Wana drags B.J away to ‘talk’ to him. She’s figured out a way to find dirt on Faridah: she wants to bug Faridah’s house. With actual electronic listening devices or a spy camera. B.J is surprised that Wana is trying to rope him in on her stupidity, never mind that in episode one they were sharing drugs and sleeping together.
He rebuffs her firmly and goes straight from her to Amaka, who is ‘surreptitiously’ taking a call. He starts to flirt with her, asking why she’s so secretive with her calls to which she replies that she is a private person etc blah blah blah. Then out of the blue he surprises her with a big lesbian smooch.
Amaka’s response is so ridiculous I had to fight the urge to turn off my computer right there and then. She screams like he just physically assaulted her and storms off for like three steps. We see that all of this happened right in front of everyone. so I dont understand where she was going in the first place.
Lolu comes back with a calmer Faridah and orders everyone to resume the shoot. Faridah takes a moment to accost Auta and ‘apologize’ for her rudeness, and tries some passive aggressive shtick that’s supposed to be menacing but comes off childish, unsurprising when you factor in that to Ini-Dima Okojie, acting = impersonating a thirteen year old. Faridah plays her trump card by asking the photographer to put her in the middle with Efosa (which they should have done in the first place instead of running around like headless chickens).
Lolu gets a call, whispers ominously and sets a watery cliff hanger for episode five.
Phew, someone get me a valium.
This show is so bad, its a miracle Accelerate TV didn’t ask for a refund. My God, its that bad.
But this is what really ground my gears in this episode.
In reality TV shows Diary Sessions allow the characters break the fourth wall, give us a way into their minds and the reasons they do the stupid things they do. In a show like On the Real, it would have been a great vehicle for vulnerability, character growth and exposition, but instead they keep using it to repeat what they’ve already shown us in the scenes before.
Also, the general premise of a reality TV show that isn’t a talent show is that we are watching to see the ‘private’ unfiltered life of a famous person. Whether it’s an actress like Omotola Jolade Ekeinde, or a socialite like Kim Kardashian, the person we’re watching has to already have our attention.
What exactly does any of the people on the show do, outside of the reality tv show?
Why would anyone turn on their TVs to watch them?
Save for Amaka who is a third rate manager at a club, none of them have day jobs or even lives. So riddle me why anyone would give them a reality show?
Please tell me, I’ll wait.