SPOILER ALERT
If you haven’t seen this episode yet, stop right now and go watch the episode. But if you’re like me and don’t mind spoilers, let’s get right to it.
Episode two of On The Real starts somewhere in 1004 estates in Victoria Island (the very epicenter of Lagos’s bourgeoisie) with Efosa and Faridah on set. The scene they’re shooting is the one where they decide to move in together, which makes sense considering Efosa was recently in the news with another woman. What better way to quash a scandal like that than consolidating the show’s fake primary relationship.
Efosa barely finishes the scene before he storms off set, B.J running on his tail. B.J is panicking because he has decided to leave the show for Auta his side chick. He tries to convince him, which is stupid, considering Efosa leaving would open him up to become the main male lead. They might as well have just kukuma told us B.J has a secret.
Even funnier is the fact that Efosa thinks he can leave a reality TV show. I have literally never heard of a reality TV show without airtight confidentiality and non-compete clauses. Leaving a show in the middle of filming a season is the kind of thing that ends careers, permanently.
Then we’re back to Samantha’s Bistro (duh-vious product placement). Faridah’s hanging out, gloating about promo-pictures from the new episode and then she goes:
“We do need to find another place to eat though, we’re literally always here.”
Ini Dima-Okojie is such a bad actress is that she still does all the head swinging and jazz hands even when she is supposed to be a call.
Then out of the blue, the show’s writers decide to throw common sense and subtlety to the wind and shamelessly plug Samantha’s Bistro. There’s really nothing worse than watching five actors who are already struggling try to act natural while they spout a script at the camera during a ‘diary’ scene. They were honestly doing Samantha’s bistro no favours.
What’s worse, Lolu the producer breaks the fourth wall and makes this already cringeworthy scene worse.
After the group diary cutaway, Faridah continues her call, squirming in her seat in what is supposed to pass as ‘sensuality’.
From the way she’s talking, it’s obvious she’s talking to Lolu and their conversation confirms that Faridah is sleeping with Lolu for the perks. Wana shows up to Samantha Bistro while Lolu and Faridah’s talk goes from PG-13 to x-rated and she gets an earful of what Faridah wants to do with front clasping bra. And of course Wana harps in on it, with her retardese delivery that makes you wonder if she finished primary school.
Now with her gaudy clothing and bright blue hair, and Samantha Bistro’s wall to floor windows, and the fact that Faridah looks directly in Wana’s direction several times; the show’s writers really wants us to believe that Faridah didn’t see Wana until she was sitting right in front of her. Are they for real with this nonsense?
Anyhow the show cuts to Lolu and his lawyer and they’re discussing Efosa’s threat to leave the show. The lawyer rightfully tells him they could legally force him to honour the conditions of his contract, but Lolu isn’t having any of that. Instead he wants Auta, Efosa’s mystery girlfriend on the show (the potential for a threesome is too good to pass up). Apparently he doesn’t have time to beg anyone to stay on their show, but he is about to beg someone else to join his show and lie about her relationship. His logic:
“Everyone wants to be a reality tv show… the plan is frigging perfect.”
Does he mean Nigerian reality tv shows like Jim Iyke’s atrocity?
Of course David Jones David, jumps like a monkey, screams at everyone else in the scene and thinks that is enough to convince us he’s an ‘actor’. Somebody please fire him already.
Its evening, B.J and Efosa have ended up at Amaka’s bar. B.J’s trying to convince Efosa to stay on the show. Even he doesn’t bring up the fact that they (should) have airtight contracts that will literally bury anyone who tries to sabotage the show, or that a B-list reality tv star who breaks his contract will be blacklisted by every serious film producer/director. Instead he tries to convince him to stay for the fame, the ‘groupies’ and ‘monkey’ sex. I guess that’s in line with the kind of character B.J is supposed to be.
Efosa gets pissed and takes a bathroom break, allowing B.J and Amaka to deliver some seriously watery lines. When Efosa returns, he’s all mopey, like it’s the end of the world. Lolu called and broke the news about bringing Auta on to the show.
B.J and Efosa polish off the bottle of Vodka to drown their sorrows/pre-emptively celebrate Efosa staying on the show and Amaka just stands there, like some kind of blank faced puppet. They get properly smashed and we finally get to see Auta, who comes to pick her boyfriend up. That leaves Amaka and B.J who manages to weasel her into letting him crash on her couch.
Nancy Isime’s acting in this show is so bad, she gives me a migraine. I feel like they hired her to play Ini Dima-Okojie’s understudy and upgraded her to cast regular at the very last minute. They act EXACTLY the same. Case in point, this scene.
Like this casting decision is so bad, its good.
Now, I was kind of holding out hope that the Auta character would be much needed salvation from this show’s of horrible acting but I hoped too soon. The actress who plays Auta definitely doesn’t have the range. What am I saying, she doesn’t have a note.
Efosa and Auta drive to her house and just before they get out, Efosa drunkenly tells Auta that he messed up and Lolu wants her to come on the show, but not as his girlfriend but his girl-friend. Auta sighs dramatically, and asks to think about it, and that she’ll do it to ‘help’ his career. Before she could finish her spiel, Efosa falls asleep and Auta steals the opportunity to call a ‘babe’ and break the good news to him.
Always knew Auta would be a SNEKKKKK.
Also I take back my comment about Akah being the best actor on the show. He is just as bad as them, maybe even worse. I didn’t think it was possible to mess up a drunken scene, but Nnani surprised me. Good job man.
LIFE LESSON:
There’s nothing worse than heavy handed product placement. Nothing is more annoying or insulting to the audience. Nothing.
Semira Bello is lacking in conscience and lives her life on Youtube. When she isn’t watching Iroko TV, she is writing ‘serious’ articles about fashion and pretending to apply make up.
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