SPOILER ALERT
If you haven’t seen this episode yet, stop right now and go watch the episode. But if you’re like me and don’t mind spoilers, let’s get right to it.
We’re three episodes deep in Accelerate TV’s new web show ‘On The Real’ and starting to realise that this show might end up being spectacularly worse than anything Ndani has put out. It just shows that no matter how many heavy weights partner together on a project, if you put it in the hands of a clueless cast/crew, you’re going to end up with a mess, plain and simple.
So shall we wade into this week’s mess?
Episode three starts in Faridah’s house. It’s evening and she’s all dressed down, ready for a night of phone sexting with Lolu when the door bell rings. She goes down to find Wana at her door, all fake smiles and that grating accent. When Faridah asks what the hell she’s doing there, Wana mentions that they have a scene the next morning and she’s come to spend the night to ‘prepare’ for it.
Lolu on the other end of the line, is wound up as tight as you can go, and with his only source of relief suddenly out of play, he turns his frustrations on his long suffering assistant, threatening him into staying back at the office with him.
If it wasn’t obvious enough that Lolu is supposed to be off his rocker, the show now dedicates a whole full cast diary session to telling us that very same thing, illustrating with his stress ball. We might seem stupid because we keep watching this show, but seriously, we get it.
I understand that Lolu is supposed to be a ‘horrible boss’, you know, sleeping with cast mates, bullying his assistant, being a general rabid dog. However, David Jones David’s interpretation of this character is so bad, he just looks like a stupid snivelling idiot. That contradicts the entire premise the Lolu character is built on; like Kris Jenner, only a calculating, shrewd person can successfully create and run a reality tv show. There’s no chance in hell, that someone who can’t even control his breathing, can run a tv show, any kind of tv show.
Also, who was the literary genius that thought ‘come and wipe my ass’ could pass as good dialogue. I want to have a word with him/her.
Would have said him, but Skinny Girl In Transit showed me men don’t have the monopoly on stupid dialogue.
Take that as you may.
After, Amaka’s back at the bar where she has her day job, and B.J’s hanging out there. Amaka seems ‘distracted’ and B.J prods her until she confesses to him that she’s having trouble covering her rent. There’s a big man coming to celebrate his birthday at the club and she needs to prepare for him. B.J suggests that will a little under-the-table price hike of the drinks and other things, she could easily make her rent, but Amaka declines. She even declines when B.J offers to help her with the money.
But wait first; Amaka is working two jobs, is the one character who doesn’t spend ridiculously or keep appearances and she’s having rent problems. How does this make any sense?
Anyhow sha, we’re taken back to Lolu’s office where Efosa’s brought Auta over for a meet and greet. Lolu ‘convinces’ Auta to join the show, though he doesn’t do anything other than state the obvious, and Efosa leaves the room so Auta and Lolu can finalize the contract. This scene is sooooo awkward. Between the shoddy dialogue, Lolu basically towering over everyone and chewing scenery and Auta coming from the rear to take the crown of worst actress in this show.
Here are a few gems of dialogue from this scene.
Lolu: Look at you, you’re a beautiful, young Lagos girl. You girls always have need for new hair, new clothes, new eyebrows…
Auta: Forget about the eyebrows, I have bills to pay.
I could feel my brain cells dying having to watch that. What is a ‘Lagos Girl’ by the way? A runs girl? A girl who likes make up? I’m so confused.
Auta is supposed to have tricked Efosa into believing she’s a quiet reserved person doing this for her lover, but the actress who plays her isn’t even the slightest bit convincing. She doesn’t even convince us she’s not acting. Why didn’t they cast this show better? Why?
The show goes back in time to the night before, to Wana and Faridah’s by force slumber party. They’re drinking and Wana’s using the opportunity to grill Faridah about her surreptitious phone calls. She stalls, changing the topic to something else when a text comes in. It’s a group text from Lolu ‘the Hulk’ (because he’s big and very angry) like the one that opened the show, announcing Auta as its newest cast member. Understandably Faridah panics, but Wana however annoying has the right response to the new turn of events, Booze!
Its the morning after Amaka’s big hosting gig, and she’s all maxed out, reclining in one of the private lounge chairs. B.J appears out of nowhere (does he seriously spend all his time there?) and comes to chill with her. He asks if she followed his advice and scalped the club patrons from the party and goody two shoes obviously didn’t. So she is extra surprised when he pulls out an envelope full of cash and hands it to her. She’s understandably overwhelmed and gives him a genuine hug before slinking off.
Once she’s out of sight, B.J beckons to one of the waiters, and gloats with him about hiking the prices of the drinks all the way up to 80k a bottle. He greases the waiter and pockets the rest. 80,000 naira a bottle would never fly no matter the night club, no matter how drunk the people partying are. What do you think we are, stupid?
The episode rounds out at Faridah’s. The sleepover has come to its logical end, with Wana ‘passed out’ and Faridah on the phone with Lolu. She’s furious that he didn’t consult her before bringing new female cast member on the show, one with loyalties to the lead male. She ‘slips’ and calls him baby, and conveniently Wana is awake to hear it.
Even Chiwetalu Agu’s Nollywood would have given us a more believable premise.
We’re going to give this show the four episode test before we break down everything that makes this interesting premise a total shit storm of a show. But for now we’ll focus on this episode.
Okay, here’s the biggest problem with this one. If your hand never reach to do dub-overs, please do not attempt it. Voice-over acting is the hardest thing to pull off, because you have to match the nuance in the scene you’re dubbing over, not to mention ensure that the sound matches the movement of the lips. The post-production people at On The Real don’t even bother, they just slap on the sound to the scene and call it a day.
So frigging unprofessional.
And are we going to have to suffer through a whole season of David Jones David? Really?
Semira Bello is lacking in conscience and lives her life on Youtube. When she isn’t watching Iroko TV, she is writing ‘serious’ articles about fashion and pretending to apply make up.
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