A Quick guide to the Nigerian art of expensive shit

Whether or not we like to admit it, President Buhari winning the elections in March has been bad business for many people.


Over the past few years, Nigeria has become so heavily ‘dollarised’, and this a major problem. What this means is that, the more we use the dollar, the worse our Naira gets. There’s also the fact that a significant amount of these dollars is stolen money.

spraying-money dollar
I’m not insinuating anything.

The old man has a reputation; locking people up for taking money that does not belong to them.

Panic follows but as Nigerians, we always find a way, so we set another milestone.

During the following months, smugglers were caught at the airport in Lagos. Most of them were ‘swallowers’ of, not the usual cocaine or heroin, but dollars.

Dollar swallow
Doctor’s prescription: Artesu-dollar

I know what you’re thinking guys, but most of the swallowers arrested have been male.

This guy swallowed 34 grand.
This guy swallowed 34 grand.

You’re wondering how hard it must be to swallow it. Remember that tough piece of meat you couldn’t chew up so you ended up swallowing? Well, this one is harder. 74 times more.


So, take Augustine for example who swallowed 74 wraps totalling $111,000 in his hotel room. That’s 15 $100 bills per wrap.

The perfect wrapping material? It’s the one thing that can fit everything from a pencil to 3 litres of water.

Condoms. We know who’s been buying the XL now.

Credit must go to the condom companies for lubricants, since they make the condoms easier to swallow.

For motivation, Augustine is promised 5%. That’s $5,550 or almost 1.5m naira. That’s a lot when the people you owe money won’t give you peace of mind.

Again, it’ll only sit there for the length of the Nigeria-Brazil flight, 10 hours.


That’s the number of hours it takes to hold shit from Lagos to Port Harcourt by road anyway.

Everything should go as planned, and your reward will be waiting for you in cash.

And kind.
And kind.

Then, wahala. The swallow-busters aka NDLEA come knocking on the door.


And then they bundle you to their office, they’ll sit with you for hours, observing your grown-ass yansh, while you have to poop out over $100,00, wrap by wrap.

Now that’s some expensive shit right there.



The Fu'ad

That go-to guy for different sturvs. Books and the Internet have taken him to Mars. He still loves his Garri with very cold water. Yeah, Content and Copy rock.


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