Now, it would be naive to think that every guy out there can see that women get treated really bad in Nigeria and agree that things need to change.
To some Nigerian guys, women ‘belong’ in the Kitchen and should stay there, bent over the stove while they and their friends cross their legs and watch television. They think a few slaps every now and then does ‘wonders’ for putting a woman in her place and cannot imagine women working.
Like why would they want to do that? Who will raise the children?
Those ones you can avoid from a mile away, the more worrying ones are the guys while pretty much harmless in and of themselves, see no point in changing things to make life for women easier.
If you fall into either of these categories, then today is your lucky day. We know how much ‘Feminists’ annoy you, especially the social media variety and would never subject you to one. What you need in your life is a ‘Pick Me’ girl.
Of course you’ve come across them. They’re the first to start snickering in your comments whenever you post some derogatory joke on Facebook, the ones that retweet your rape joke and pepper it with laugh smileys. The ones that nod enthusiastically when you announce in public that you’ve never seen the inside of a kitchen.
But because women are never, ever a monolith. Not even a ‘Pick Me’ girls. We’ve catalogued all the kinds of ‘Pick Me’ girls that exist so you can find the one that is tailored specifically to your brand of misogyny. I am nothing if not meticulous.
Imagine never having to worry that your ‘Pick Me’ girl has anything in common with other girls.
This sub-group of Pick Me girls specialize in pointing out their otherness. If women are talking about getting harassed at parties, they’re the first to point out they’ve never been to a party in their life. If the discussion is about weaves, they’ll point out quite helpfully that their hair is natural.
They’re always contrary, provided it aligns with your opinions on the matter.
Do you have a fucking stupid opinion you need someone to agree to?
Then the Yes-woman is your girl. She’ll agree to any and everything that comes out of your mouth, no matter how stupid, provided you’re the one saying it. She’ll even do some really stupid things because you asked her to. It’s like having a mafia enforcer, with breasts.
Bob The Builder
Are you 33 and still don’t have your shit together?
Then you need yourself a Bob the Builder. This kind of ‘Pick Me’ girl delights in taking a petulant man-child and enabling his fucked up behaviour. They will clean up after you (literally), take your shit, work three jobs so you don’t have to work one, sleep with you on demand and take care of your illegitimate children.
Other functions include ‘holding you down’, and being ‘ride or die’.
Not to be confused for the Yes-Woman, the homemaker believes that being able to cook and clean = personality. Her solution to everything is a plate of food, fresh underwear and sex. And trust me, she is excellent at all three. But just don’t come to her expecting conversation or problem solving skills. That’s what your side chics are there for.
The Self-professed Bad Bitch.
Need some to teabag you, while you sniff cocaine off her vagina and live stream the whole thing to your friends via Skype?
Then get yourself a self professed bad girl. She knows that Bad Bitches(tm) are always in demand and works hard to maintain her bad bitch status. The Bad bitch looks down on girls who have never had an orgy, or twitpic’ed their vagina for RT’s. Because what can be better than all the boys acknowledging that nobody does it better?
Ms. I Dont Do Labels
Need someone to string along for ten years while you search for your perfect virgin bride?
Then Ms. I Dont Do Labels is the one for you. She is progressive, more progressive than all those other girls. She takes pride in ‘understanding’ men, giving them what they need. She knows you want an open relationship because sex is ‘transactional’ for you, and intimacy is what you and her share. She knows all the fancy synonyms for fuck boy.
The Brainwashed Sheeple
Of all the ‘Pick Me’ girls this is the rarest. The crown jewel. Ms Sheeple comes from a long line of misogynists and each generation teaches her to accept the ‘place’ of a woman as gospel truth. So Ms Sheeple knows her place exactly, and wont step an inch out of line. Be warned though, tempting as it may seem, you must never let Ms. Sheeple form opinions of her own. Nine out of ten times, a Sheeple with opinions quickly devolves into a feminist.
So there, all neatly done and tied with a bow.
Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Want to know what we think about cooking? Here’s last week’s podcast.
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