Contrary to popular opinion, I didn’t die.
We were at the office and someone thought, “why don’t we give ourselves a one-week challenge?” You know when you say something and its too late to take it back because everyone already heard it? Yep. That’s how “I’ll go vegan” jumped out of my mouth.
But then, why not?
Here’s the first mistake, I didn’t plan properly. The vegan life needs a plan.
I didn’t stock up on vegan food and decided to pull off a vegan diet, straight out of what we had in the house. A chunk of that Monday morning at work was spent googling the things that’d be taboo for the Vegan warrior (yes, it’s war). No meat, fish, or any other animal. That’s not all. Their by-products are out-of-bounds too; eggs, milk, anything that has any animal by-products in them.
Which leads to my second mistake. I went to my Mai Shayii it was after I’d downed the last drop of tea that I remembered that milk is actually from cow. Oh dear, I felt stupidity laughing at me. But first-time mistake, so I overlooked it, and continued.
Then my colleague went to buy fried Rice around lunch time. My people, when the aroma hit me, I almost died. And no, I can’t eat his Fried Rice, because it has stock cubes, and they are made from animal extracts too. My mood went so bad I started quarelling with everybody. I wanted to cry. Who sent me message? As if that was not enough, I went home to see that Rice and Turkey sauce was on the menu. Why do bad things happen to good people?
But as a hard guy, I made Spaghetti concoction; chopped onions, pepper, tomatoes, sprinkled with salt, cinammon, curry, and anything thing I could find that didn’t have ‘Animal flavour’ on it. Don’t judge me.
Tuesday was supposed to go smoothly. Everyone said Tofu is a vegan replacement for meat, crunch-wise, so I tried a few supermarkets. None had Tofu. But we move. I went home, made my rice, with a veggie sauce, because I cannot come and die.
Cruise day. Meat lost all relevance to me. The aroma meant nothing. I was the Master of Body and soul in this Vegan business.
I stopped eating out because all the local food sellers try to seduce us with excess stock cubes. So yes, Home cooking is bae. Day 4 was easy, but the real tests began on Friday.
I reached home on Friday night, and guess what the rest of the family is having for dinner? Catfish peppersoup. You know how I thought all kinds of meat had lost value to me? I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I just went into the room, climbed under my blanket and went to think about all the problems in the whole wide world.
First thing you need to understand, nobody in any owambe gives a damn about your vegan life. They are going to riddle that rice with meat stock. They are going to litter your tables with spring rolls, samosas, and of course, with chicken. All fried with the same oil.
We hadn’t even sat properly when this waiter arrived with a plate. Jollof on one side, Fried Rice on the other. Moin-moin sitting like a king in the middle. Lets not even talk about the two massive pieces of meat. My people.
I swear I didn’t want to eat it. I swear. But the Jollof rice was threatening to beat me up, while the bright Yellow Fried corner was just doing my brain like this.
I swear the mind was willing, but this flesh of a tongue dancing in my mouth was just too weak.
Long story short. I didn’t stop till I had downed the last grain of rice. I didn’t eat the meat though. Because, Vegan.
Anyway, the seventh and last day didn’t even last long. I mean, I was already waiting with my Suya at 10pm with all the chill Jega had at the last elections, waiting for the day to end like,
You see, when the clock hit 12am, I hit that suya with a backhand, till the last piece of grilled beef was dead and chewed. No time for play-play.
I won’t even lie. The Vegan life is good, it made me more conscious of what I eat, made me even feel lighter. But you see, I love my meat, I like to drag that Shaki. I like to crush those bones, because meat is bae.
Did I like it? Yes, it felt good. Made me more conscious. Made me appreciate animals even more.
Do I miss it?
Will I do it again?
Maybe, but for now, there is meat to be eaten.
Being a Vegan in Lagos is hard, but with a proper plan, and no friends to invite you to Owambe, you’ll be alright. This list of all the struggles the Vegan life will throw at you should help you understand.