The 7-step guide to surviving armed robbers in Nigeria

We live in dangerous times.

Somewhere in Nigeria, someone just opened the door for an armed robber to enter their home, mistaking them for the new electrician. Someone’s windscreen is going to be shattered by the end of this week. Armed robbery in its various forms really is a thing.

Falz warning meme

These few tips should help you live through a robbery:

1. No, it’s not film trick

Neither is it a dream. What this also means is that you probably cannot punch as fast or hard as the movies. There will be no Jet Li-ing your way out of this.

Okon Trouble

2. The Police might not be coming any time soon

I know you might be fantasizing a super cop appearing out of nowhere to save the day. My friend, the future is not that bright in that department. You are on your own.

Jordan Crying

3. Do not scream

See, you’re not even doing the armed robbers, you’re doing yourself. We get that you want your prayers to be heard from the heavens. But think for a minute, what if heaven doesn’t answer before one of them silences you with a machete? Be wise.

screams internally chrissy

4. Keep calm and let them rob you in peace:

It will happen. Just accept your fate. It’ll actually save you in damages. For example when you wind down your glass, you know they won’t break it. Common sense.

Be calm

5. Their weapons are not a fashion statement

That machete is not a chewing stick. That rifle is not a selfie stick. Respect yourself.

Or prostrate when the tell you to prostrate.
When you hear lie down, they are not playing

6. Have money

How would you feel if you go to an ATM and the machine won’t allow you take your own money? A farmer does not go to farm on harvest day and expect to come back without yam. It’s written in the constitution.

What is a goat without its yam?

7. Don’t ask for your sim card

Because they didn’t shoot you doesn’t mean they are kind. The courteous ones always give you the sim card without your asking. If they don’t give you, please, this is not a Nollywood film. They will leave a bigger sim card inside your skull.

And to the important part, when they leave, please don’t forget to say,

Thank you sir



The Fu'ad

That go-to guy for different sturvs. Books and the Internet have taken him to Mars. He still loves his Garri with very cold water. Yeah, Content and Copy rock.

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