Forget the FBI, Nigerian parents are the MVP’s of emotional blackmail

From the moment we leave the womb to the moment we pack into our own houses, Nigerian parents are always trying to use sense for us.

Nigerian parents have two methods for calling a child to order, passed down from generation to generation: cane and sarcasm.

Cane can only do so much and once you start to chest it, your parents have a secret meeting where they decide you have opened eye. You too will now be celebrating, until they open their mouths.

Let’s just say, I wish I could go back to the days when I will just chop cane and the matter will end.

If your parents have not done this, go and do DNA test.

When your father travels and you use your father’s car to go buy foodstuff.


When your father is watching Emmanuel TV and you tell him you want to watch Oyinbo film instead.


When you refuse to give your mother gist, knowing fully well that she will later use it against you.

When I die

Just after you have the talk with your parents that you don’t plan to practice medicine and want to become a musician instead.

God Knows

The first time your father sees you with a flower crown snapchat filter.


When your mother calls you for the 1000th time to come and help her compose text and you say no.

Value Me


Every time you’re sick and refuse to eat food because it makes you vomit.

You want your

When you refuse to wear the ugly aso-ebi that she sewed for you and your brothers for her cousin’s brother’s friend’s wedding.

You want them

The first time you go out and don’t come home before 7’o’clock.

You have grown wings

The first time you tell your mother you are not following her to 6’o’clock morning mass.

Obara Jesus

When you correct your mother in public.

Breast swear

When your father gives you the keys to warm the car and you start it but it doesn’t start.


When your mother calls you from upstairs to come and give her the remote and you take more than one minute to get there.

Hand paining me

When your mother asks you to wash plates and you break one.


The very first time you stand up to your father.

Born children

The second time  you stand up to your father.

Times ten

After you finally confess to your mother that yes, you actually have a girlfriend.

Doing me

And she meets her and finds out she is not from your tribe.

Swear for you

Your father’s reaction after she reports you to him.

Mother's Child

Everytime you go out to night party after that revelation.Prayed for a girlTrying to convince her you’re actually hanging out with your friends, not trying to impregnate your girlfriend.

Friends house

When you finally break up with the girl.

My God




When God was sharing chill, I was at the back of the line trying to start a fire.

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