Dear To-Whom-It-May-Concern,
How market? We expect that it must not be easy doing business these days. Our elders have a saying that when meat is too hot to handle, sometimes, the mouth is not the safest plate. Put it in your pocket.
All of us have stolen meat from pot before. Haters will say you’re corrupt, but he without oil on his hands, let him cast the first Shaki.
We understand that you have a problem; you have been hanging out with fewer friends lately, because EFCC has packed the rest.
Now, we hear you also have some spare biscuit money? Is it ₦500 million abi ₦1 billion? Okay, ₦1 billion, we figured you don’t deal in millions. That one is for small boys.
But we want to help you. Your money is currently black and full of sin. We are going to turn your money to a go-and-sin-no-more. Just follow these small expos, and even if EFCC wants to chase you, it is the people following you from your village they’ll catch.
1. Who Green Kpali done epp?
Look, the Nigerian passport is so useless that you still need a visa to enter South Africa, and the people at the Kenyan airport will be treating you as if Lagos’ economy alone is not larger than the whole Kenya.
Anyway, you need correct passport in your life. Like Saint Lucia. No, it is not the name of a Missionary Secondary School in Lagos, it is an actual country.
If you pay ordinary $200,000, buy a few properties and all that, they’ll give you blue passport.
Kpali so good it will give you visa-free access to 120 countries, unlike your passport that allows you enter only 45 countries. Tufia.
2. But there’s one problem; how are you going to carry this type of money out of the country without bad belle people knowing?
Don’t worry. You can try Seme Border, or you can just get some people to swallow it for you as if its cocaine, like this guy who swallowed over $100,000.
Even though that one is small money for you, we still don’t know how it came out of their yansh. But if you don’t want your money to be smelling anyhow, there’s an easy method. Go to the bank. Don’t go to the counter. That place is for small people. Just say you want to see the manager. Tell him to epp you, and just give him a few millions for him to use as transport fare, just the way you give your nephews and nieces. And the rest,
We don’t want to stress you too much with how he’ll do it (that package comes in Premium and all these English we’ve been speaking is just free trial).
3. One million men- in-one.
That man at the bank can help you out with this style sef. He’ll spread the ₦1 billion into like 900 bank accounts. Like that guy that EFCC caught with about 870 ATMs at Mallam Aminu Kanu Airport. Baby boy was travelling with all the cards to Dubai, so he can just empty all the accounts from there. And the money will just disappear like that.
Or there’s another style where someone will just be making plenty cash deposits everyday inside your accounts until he clocks ₦1 billion. Stress.
4. If you’re a Senator nko?
Lets say you’re the head of one committee. Just award contract to a foreign company. Overprice the contract. Add your own ₦1 billion inside. Cash out with your money in the Abroad. You can call it padding if you like.
5. You can try the latest style?
We’re going to dash somebody a disease. Say cancer. If its a woman, its even better sef, so people will know its real. Ordinary how much did they pay Mercy Johnson to shave her hair the other time. Now, we’ll open a Gofundme or Kickstarter. Put the person’s face there. Ask for ₦10 million. We’ll now donate it to ourselves. Money goes in dirty, money comes out clean.
6. You want more?
We have plenty styles we can help with. We can open a nightclub for you and all those drinks that cost ₦5, 000 and are sold for ₦50,000, we’ll pay the excess with your money. When the cash gets to the bank, clean. Or we can even just buy overpriced houses and re-sell it. Or casinos. If you like sef, we can open your own muslim Organisation or church.
Every house of God deserves a good Samaritan after all. We know you hate art, but we can buy overpriced ones, and so on.
If you’d like to unlock our premium option so that we can unlock the rest and epp your solution,
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