Dear Captain America: An open letter to you before your next trip to Nigeria

Dear Avengers,

How are you?

What?

Okay, since you people are being so dramatic, we’ll just address the letter to Captain America. You people made him class captain anyway.

Tinubu might have the money, but Buhari is still President.

Dear Captain America (and Friends),

How are you?

Did Tony ever reply that love letter you sent to him?

We heard you and your people came to Lagos, even though we didn’t even see you when you landed. We understand that you escaped the extreme heat at the arrivals section of Murtala Muhammad Airport. You came with private jet.

They say you people came to come and carry biological weapon that someone was hiding in Lagos. We dunno the type of light they are using in that place sha, but we didn’t hear any sound of generators. Which politician or bank MD even owns the building?

Its not like we cannot take care of biological threats anyway.

We had Dr Adadevoh of blessed memory and her team kicking Ebola’s ass big time.

And we are sure she inspired thousands of people to want to do the same.

But wait oh!

First, you enter our country without visa, even though we have to enter your own through an endless line at the embassy, powered by back-to-back night vigils, plus the prayer of the entire community. But you just barge into ours like…

And Donald Trump is not even President yet.

We can’t vex too much on this too. Shekau and his Suicide Squad have been entering and leaving the country anyhow too. As if it is their daddy that owns the country.

As if that is not enough, you now entered the market. We are sure you collected plenty Twale.

But did you drop anything for the boys?

No.

This is unacceptable behaviour. But we will forgive you for this one too. Your money bag didn’t come with you, so we won’t expect much really.

After all, you are just a product of strong agbo jedi-jedi with some gamma.

Or you’re doing borrow pose with someone’s toys.

Or just too hot-headed to ask if your husband has eaten lately. Lets not even ask if you will pound yam or pound your husband.

And sister Scarlet Witch, we understand your own too. You are just coming back home to visit.

Talking about visiting; Scarlet, did you even try to ask the plane to branch at Benin? At least to drop something you brought along, even if it is just t-shirt or Magdonas.

You just carried bleaching cream as you were going to do Masters, carried small jazz, and you’re now using it to form American citizen.

To the main issue; and that is the rubbish trail you left behind.

You killed 11 aid workers from Wakanda because you were doing boys scout all over the place. As if that wasn’t enough, you now went to Niger Delta without telling us.

But then we heard you left and pipelines were still exploding. Are you people doing it with satellite, or is it just another band of terrorists trying to frustrate our already frustrated country even further?

Whatever it is, we hold you people with your fancy costumes responsible.

They are still speaking English at the Presidency, and we don’t know when they’ll finish, so you need to come and clean up the mess.

Before you enter the country again though, these are the things you must know;

Don’t spoil anything. If you think you can just come and be breaking stuff, we’ll introduce you to this guy.

And if you think you’re too strong for him, he just needs to touch your head, and you’ll become this guy.

We understand you didn’t bring Thor the first time.

Smart choice. Don’t bring him this time too. You know Sango and Amadioha don’t tolerate nonsense.

On a final note, come on a Thursday, clean up those Niger Delta Avengers first. Then rush to the Northeast and take care of Shekau. Bring back the girls and the thousands of others taken while you’re at it. We know you can find Shekau.

Jonathan once said ”America will know”, and truly, is it not the class captain that handles the names of noise makers?

No civilian casualties please.

You should round up on Friday night. Rest. Don’t go to Quilox.

Wizkid can mistakenly throw glass cup again, and you people will vex all over again and start breaking things. We don’t want that.

Wait till Saturday. Find an Owambe where they are wearing red or blue. You have American accent, nobody will stop you anyway.

If they ask you what you want to eat, say you want Party Jollof. If it is a correct wedding, they’ll give you two pieces of meat. But if they give you one, you know what to do.

They don’t mean you well. Obviously.

When you’ve eaten your Jollof, ask for another plate. Pour it inside a big nylon so that you can take back to America. Just be warming it small small till it finishes.

If you had only tried Party Jollof earlier, the Civil War would not have happened in the first place.

 

Yours Faithfully,

A Fellow Superhero (because only Superheroes can survive in Nigeria.)

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