So Semira sat down and decided to treat our fuck ups by exposing all the ridiculous things men say before sex because if you ask her now, Nigerian men don’t have common dignity. Because I’m all about equity, I have decided to do unto the goose, cos you know, in the famous words of Pete Edochie.
One day breeze go blow and fowl nyash go open.
Wetin my eye never see for this life. Wetin these girls never tell me.
I usually never do this…
Really? Oya come and be going.
This is my first time…
Mine too, what a co-incidence.
I can only come if you choke me.
That’s how the devil will be using you.
What are we?
About to have sex, please stay on topic.
Don’t let your girlfriend come and break my head oh!
Don’t worry, you oh, her oh, all of una na side chick.
I don’t want to fall in love with you.
Shebi when you fall, you will use your hand to carry yourself up.
I have a boyfriend.
… and you’re here offing clot, mah friend pull that pant.
So you really want to have sex with me?
Well yes, does this look like a seminary?
Hope this won’t change our friendship?
Unless your vagina has the power to change friendships, we’ll be fine.
I don’t really like sex.
… and I’d much rather be eating pizza right now but here we are.
Do you really like me or you just want sex?
Depends. Do you want to off your pant or should I just shift it to the side.
How many people have you slept with before me?
It’s like you want to catch hypertension today.
Your penis is big o!
How about you surprise me by telling me something I don’t know.
I have never told anyone this but…
and you think I want to hear about it, right now? In this moment?
Don’t tell your friends o!
Why would I… oh wait, that’s true, some guys are idiots. You win this round.
I don’t like blow jobs, I think it is disgusting.
But you want me to put this same penis inside your vagina. Well done!
I’m a virgin.
And I’m the Baby Jesus, do you want to mekwe or not?
I can’t be the only one that has seen weh in these girl’s hands. What is the most ridiculous thing a girl has told you before sex?