A Nigerian shared his JAMB experience and it is LOL funny

After the Federal Government, JAMB is the second most popular cause of heartbreak in Nigeria.

A Nairalander shared his JAMB experience story.

I remember when I wrote my fourth jamb exam. The previous day was so restless. I kept answering all the series question over and over again. I was especially worried about how I wan take do maths. Like for real, this is my fourth exam mehn.

I woke up still feeling uneasy and after the normal house chores, I informed my dad that I was going for the exam.

“Haha, is it today?” My father asked acting surprised as he drank his pap.

They had lost all hope in me and they were just probably registering me so nobody will call them names and the fact that I was the first child and son. My younger sister, who I was 6 years older than, was already in her final year studying Yoruba in a renowned college of education and here I was still writing JAMB. Even my O-levels was the handiwork of my sister.

 

My first jamb, I spent the registration money on a party.

The second, I slept off on the day.

The third, I got 101 but could not secure admission anywhere, and this was my fourth and my last, according to my father, who had been providing the money for the exams.

I looked on in despair and proceeded to leave.
“Come,” he called me back. “Take this 200 naira. If it’s not enough, trek the remaining distance.”

“Ok sir.”

I dared not tell him that the money is not enough unless I wanted to hear an epistle of all my failures and problems in life.

Even when we watch TV and he asks me to pass the remote, he always had a way to use it to insult me.

“Pass me the remote. Abi , you will sha be able to pass something.”

I wore my Kwara United Jersey, my neck chain and good luck charms given to me by my ex which I have been wearing to all my exams.

She gave me on Valentine’s day as a gift and I love it so much that after we broke up, I couldn’t give her back. I then balanced the combo with my pink carrot jeans and killed the swag completely with my blue sandals. All these wears I wore outside the house in an uncompleted building as na corporate my papa make sure say I rock comot house.

I was positive of a favorable result this time. I had engaged in a 3 days personal fasting and prayer. It was supposed to be seven days but because of my ulcer, I had to reduce it to 3 days. Though I made sure I drank water and ate food without oil or pepper.

I went to see if uncle Gbera has any leaked question paper on ground but none was available. Since I paid him 2,000 naira, he said he was going to send it via text.

I didn’t rely on him only, I had another source though that promised me the answers for free. I couldn’t bank on uncle Gbera alone. What if he failed to send it?

I went to the exam center to the admiration of all and sundry. Everybody was feeling my combo. All the girls were looking at me.

I saw a lot of things. Young children that were still supposed to be sucking breasts were at the exam center with JAMB slips. I saw one, I could bet he was not more than 12 years. What was he doing here or how will he cope if he gets to tertiary institution?

Well, not my business. I quickly acquainted two girls and we hung around sharing answers and working out the series, one even said she stayed in the same area as mine and when we finish, we will go home together.

This was the first sign that this exam was going to be good because this was the first time I will be catching any girl at the exam center and oh my God!, she was beautiful and well endowed. And the mere thought of her living in my hood and also applying for my course and University.

30 mins to exam , the answers arrived. English, Maths, Physics, Chemistry. I quickly dubbed everything in a shorthand code I personally developed called ‘rexcalligren’. I rolled it in a tiny piece of paper and hid it inside my corner teeth.

The security people were most especially fixated on me as if I was a criminal. They searched and searched. My socks, sandals, chain, shirt. They even took me inside to check my boxers and everything…

Clean at last… I don’t know why they had to screen only me thoroughly like that. Even if na Jack Bauer dey here, he no fit catch me. Shior.

With nothing but pap in my stomach, I proceeded to the exam hall.

The invigilator was fierce looking and warned about cheating and copying.

“If you are caught, it is 21 years”

And so the exam started. I prayed and settled down a bit..

I brought out the one containing English and physics. I started shading systematically. Shade small, stop, act like I’m thinking and then continue.

After shading the first two rapidly, within 30 mins I was through. Next, I searched for the maths and for the physics answer stuff. I couldn’t find it. I searched my pocket, boxers, socks. This was even the one I needed most.

I could not hold back the sweat. The thing must have fallen down somehow while they were searching. I hoped they don’t find it later sha.

Well I had no choice. I used the small knowledge I had in physics to manipulate the physics exam and did the best I could. Mostly, a-b-b-a-c-d-c.

However, the maths.. I could not afford to do same, that will make two subjects I answered by guessing. I tried to see if I could attempt any of the question.

Omo, na lie oo.. from Pythagoras theorem, to mode, to mean , to longitude and latitude to sets, everything was a “blank” back to back..

I kept biting my lips, sweating. The person by my side was a girl. She had been behaving somehow since she saw me pull out the orinjo I was writing, so my ego no fit allow me ask am.

As time was going, I had no choice than to quickly ask the guy in front of me. He was shading rapidly and sweating.

“Bro. Bro.” My guy dey initially form deaf.

“Bro bro.” He still kept shading.

Not until I tapped him. “Bro bro abeg”.
He then hummed.

“Thanks boss. The one you are answering, na maths abi?” I asked carefully almost whispering as the hungry looking civil defense roamed around like wounded lions.

“Na maths abi?”
“Humm humm,” he nodded in the affirmative..
“Bro abeg help me shift am small, make I see chance copy am.”
He obliged and did so.

Without wasting any time, I started shading. Chai, this guy good gan oo. One question no dey take am pass 1 minute.

I felt fulfilled and happy as I shaded it all. Thank God oh!. If to say na girl con dey my front too nko or one olodo wey no sabi anything ??

Well even if the choko fail, God will make a way. I sang the song , “He is a miracle working God” quietly in my mind. I sat back and saw people biting their lips, sweating profusely, looking at the ceiling as if say na dere answer dey. Me I just dey smile.

Read una no go read, be smart, una no go smart.

I bowed my head and prayed to God for the successful exam especially the troublesome maths .

Not until the invigilator came and shouted, 4 mins more.

Shior, if una like make una talk say 2 seconds more, me I don finish this one naa.

It was this time that I noticed the guy in my front was just writing his offered subjects on the answer booklet since the exam started.

English ..yes.. Government.. hmmmn hmmn, Literature…..

I got the shock of my life when he wrote the last subject …

It seemed like I saw something like commerce. Were my eyes deceiving me?
I checked again. COMMERCE.

“Bro! bro!” I was almost shouting as i called him
“Yes?”
“Bro you said you are shading maths, u said maths,” I said in a trembling voice .
This time, he looked back and said ‘Maths?’
“My God, I said maths now.”

“Hey what is happening there?”

“Nothing.”

“Oya two of you come and submit, the exam kuku don finish .Rascals. I have been looking at you two since. Oya, submit before I tear your script. The invigilator roared as he angrily snapped our scripts off our hands.”
We submitted and left the venue.
I challenged the unfortunate fellow who gave me the wrong answer.

“You know I was focused and not concentrating on you or any other thing… I thought u said Commerce. You said the maths like commerce.” He said without showing any emotion or compassion.

“Sorry o,” He said and left.
He was much older and strong, if not, God knows I could have killed him that day. There was nothing i could do to him as he walked away to buy Gala and La Casera to chill off.

Chai ..I bit my lips.. well in everything, give thanks. At least I have English and Chemistry, I prayed God would help me in those ones.

I was still ruminating on this when I started hearing discussions that the exam came with a unique type.
Which one be type again?

On further research , I discovered that the questions were rearranged according to four designated types; red , blue, black and green.

What the…?  I checked my answer booklet to find the types I was allotted.

English na green, Physics na black.  My heart was beating fast as I rushed to check my phone for the answers sent.
By the time I checked, it was boldly written in capital letters beneath the answers. English type Red…. Physics type Red..

I could see the girl I acquainted staring at me, smiling from the other opposite hall.

By this time, the thought of the girl had disappeared from my mind. Ah. It is finished for me.

I couldn’t resist placing my hand on my head as hot tears formed in my eyes when I realised my folly.

“Who forget this paper here” I could hear the voice from inside the exam hall I just left.

I checked my pocket. It was then I realized that even the English and Physics choko I used, I had left it on the table after I submitted.
“I said who left this paper here?” the invigilator shouted again.

“It was the boy in the jersey,” a girl voiced out. It was my mumu seat partner.

“Ehn, I knew it.. where is he?”

In the rush, I lost my phone and 300 naira. I had to trek home, half alive , half dead .

“How was it?” my father asked immediately I entered

“It was fine sir,” I said as I quickly devoured the eba and three days old ewedu soup with ponmo my sister served me.

“It had better be fine,” He replied with all seriousness.

And when the result came out, it was like my paper type.. RED .. RED.. I had 69 as my overall score …

And truly as my father stated, that was indeed the last jamb I ever did as I was not fortunate to meet with the CBT model.

Thus, It is with immense joy that I invite all to my freedom ceremony. I am happy to inform you all that I am a proud electrical cum mechanical engineer from Ogoku and Sons Electrical Wiring International Limited. For all wiring and electrical issues, I’m the one to be called upon.

 

Probably I am going to apply for jamb later. Probably in the next world.

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