Your ex-boyfriend might not be the leader of the most populous black nation in the solar system, neither has he ever had to select ministers, or go to war with the dollar, but these limitations still do not mean he’s that different from Muhammadu Buhari.
How is this even possible? you may ask. Sit back and let us count the ways.
1. Bae was unrepentant.
Bae is a good person and all, and good people make mistakes too. But this guy? Fucking unrepentant. Even the times he had to blame you for his own mistakes. And whenever you caught him in a tight corner, he’d be like, “you can’t judge me based on my past.”
Well done, Mr past tense.
2. He wasn’t loyal.
Your boyfriend was supposed to have your back every time, every single time, at least in public to save face. So those few times you slipped up in public and he was supposed to cover your yansh, Oga didn’t even send you. Ask Buhari’s day one nigga, Jafaru Isa. How much did he even collect that Buhari couldn’t cover his yansh? Ordinary 150 million naira.
As if Jonathan that was granting presidential pardon to convicted looters has two heads.
3. He doesn’t return your calls.
Sigh. How much is airtime again that your baby angel was forming busy not to call back? Saying things like “its not important I reply every call na.” Calm down.
Your ex is certainly not the first to have a communication problem. Where were you when Buhari was silent regarding attacks in the Northeast and the genocide on minorities in the North? Does your ex boyfriend have two heads that he’ll be returning all your calls? Abeg shift.
4. He is too stingy.
God! Ordinary shikini money, he won’t allow somebody hear word. See how Jonathan was generous and people were getting fat all over the place. But Buhari, stingy. Let’s not even start.
5. He was too blunt.
Yes, you were adding too much unhealthy weight. Yes the dress made you look like an onion.
But why did he have to tell you that? Why did he have to be so direct about it? Why did he have to be so mean? Why did Buhari have to tell everybody that Nigeria has a bad image internationally? Why Why Why?
6. The relationship was moving at the pace he dictated.
And mostly, he was fucking slow. Is there more to be said? This girl had to head for the altar. Mama wasn’t getting any younger and neither were your eggs.
7. He still has a very strong hold on you.
You feel something in your heart when you hear his name or see him in public. He calls you to “just check on you”. He called you in ’03, in ’07, and in 2011. Last year, he invited you for a date, and you agreed. Now you just hope he’s up to plenty good this time.