In Nigeria, the system is out to frustrate you so there exists a strong possibility that you are bound to screw up every now and then. So there are two things involved; you either get caught 0r not. If you do, you either pay the price or get away with it.
Here are simple tips to get away with murder, or anything at all. Naija style.
1. Be rich.
See don’t let anybody deceive you. Money is very important. Make money. Make that money and save yourself a huge chunk of the stress that comes with being Nigerian. Don’t be too stingy or people will invite people to come and rob you but don’t be too generous so that people won’t say you are using their destiny to do rituals.
2. Be a politician.
Even more importantly, belong to the ruling party. If your party lost, don’t let anybody make you feel bad. Decamp. Apologise for demonising the party in the past. Everybody will understand. After all, old things have passed away and all things have become new.
3. Be a woman.
You don’t ever have to do anything in your life. There’ll always be people willing to excuse you; “Oh, she’s a woman.” Go out when you don’t have money, some maga will always pay. Hopefully it’ll only cost you a smile. Please don’t forget the accent too. It will take you places. Also important, be lai-skinned. Be very lai-skinned.
4. Be a man.
Don’t worry, she will apologise. You just need to remind her that you’re a man. Hit her if need be, someone will tell her to behave herself instead. And when you see a girl in a really short dress, go hard and go for it. Don’t worry, someone is going to defend you by blaming her dress.
5. Have a very big gun.
This plays out in two ways; you are either an armed robber or a policeman. Or both. If you’re an armed robber, walk into a bank, do your thing. But please be kind. Just take everything behind the counter, not from the customers. If you want to be extra nice, you can force money into the pockets of customers in bank.
If you’re a policeman and you tell someone to show you the receipt of their laptop and they don’t, cock that rifle. If you ask a driver for money and he doesn’t give you, cock your rifle. Nothing dey happen. You’re the man.
7. Go to Sambisa forest.
Nothing can find you there, not even satellites or soldiers. So do your thing. Storm entire villages, kill all the men and take the women and children prisoners. Kidnap entire schools of girls and execute the boys. Burn the towns down, shoot up an entire Barracks. Kill, by all means kill.
Just make sure to run back to Sambisa.