5 steps to running your own government in Nigeria

Nigeria is the real land of opportunities. That is why 170 million governments can thrive here under the umbrella of the federal government.

Tom Polo's name is 'Government'. I kid you not.
Tompolo’s name is ‘Government’. I kid you not.

We run our own water supply. We power our houses. We burn our refuse. When our roads get really bad, we fix it with stones. There’s no word yet to describe how so many governments can thrive here.

Jonathan meme

But there just might be an offer you can’t resist. What if you can make your own government very influential and perhaps, second largest in Nigeria?

Here’s how:

1. Find A Grudge 

Finding a fault in the Nigerian system is as easy as finding traffic on a Monday morning in Lagos. Like traffic, you’ll find equally angry people. Harness that grudge and proceed to the next step.Ademola

2. Give your group a really nice name

 A really nice name includes having a very good acronym. Take the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta for example, their acronym, MEND, can pass as a mission statement.

Disclaimer: Its just a joking sturv

MASSOB sounds sober, but Nnamdi Kanu’s Indigenous Peoples Of Biafra, IPOB, sounds better.

Put it this way, iPob, and it even starts to look like the future.

Thank me later Nnamdi

Now look at what Mohammed Yusuf named his group, Jama’at Ahl as-Sunnah lid-Da’wah wa’l-Jihad. Don’t bother with the acronym, We have tried and failed.

Shekau meme

See how people quickly started calling them Boko Haram. See how Mohammed Yusuf ended. Be wise. Get creative.

3. You Need To Make Your group ‘higher’

Hitler made Nazis a higher people. The Serbs did it, then ‘why can’t you do it?’ Do they have 10 heads? If you can’t make them higher, make everyone else lower. So the Kanu approach is that “Igbos are God’s children, others are of the devil.”

Or Mohammed Yusuf’s you’re either with him as a believer, or against him as an unbeliever. Nobody is your mate.

knockout meme

4. Motivation

See, nothing moves Nigerians like religion. Don’t play with it. Carry your idea and wrap it in religion and watch your movement flourish. Everything is justified in religion.

Just add God or Allah, and all will be well with you. Stay away from the Sangos and the Amadiohas, Nigerians can’t stand associating with ritualists in public. Ewww!


5. Finally, You have arrived

At this point, you have become Supreme Leader. Your sweat is like pearls, your shit is like perfume, the ground you step on is holy. People are willing to die for you before you ask. Even though you won’t admit it because its pride, you have attained god-status. Don’t choose a name for yourself, let people choose one for you.

What to do with your followers? This part is up to you. Always pray in all that you do and God will guide you all the way.

It shall be well.



The Fu'ad

That go-to guy for different sturvs. Books and the Internet have taken him to Mars. He still loves his Garri with very cold water. Yeah, Content and Copy rock.

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