You are at a birthday party, singing the happy birthday song to the celebrant. Then you get to the main part of the singing,
How old areee youuu noooow?
And everybody looks at the celebrant like.
There are six types of answers you’ll get from Nigerians. Only one is the truth. These are the rest.
1. School age
Remember when you were first entered secondary school and you asked that one person that looked like the class ancestor their age, and the answer shocked you.
Well, they might have actually looked old, or they were just probably lying. But you couldn’t even argue with them, because their punches were as advanced as their aged. So you just dance to their music.
2. Football age
This one may be happening everywhere, but Nigerians don’t carry last in this department. We have miraculous cases, like Julius Aghahowa, who first played for Nigeria at the age of 17 in ’99, but had previously played for two Nigerian clubs where people kicked the ball like juggernauts.
Must be the super powers. Must be.
3. Music age
Kiss Daniel why na??? U need a press release to mention how old you are!!!!!!… Naaaa https://t.co/A3fE5TGgMG
— PREMIUM TWEEP (@XANTAPLUS) April 20, 2016
We tried to put ourselves in Kiss Daniel’s shoes. Maybe he’s trying to count from the time he was in the womb, or from the day he was born, or from the day he decided to become a singer. Or maybe its deeper, like how we are all as old as the universe since energy can neither be created or destroyed and the initial energy that created us is where he wants to count from.
We are confused too.
4. Career age
You see a a job opening. It says maximum of 25 years old for applicants. You are sad because you’ll be 29 next month.
Then you remember that people call you Babyface, so you just adjust your age to your face.
Because you cannot come and die.
5. Marriage age.
Always a classic pic.twitter.com/K5hb1D76O6
— Monarch Simbul Zaddy (@Immortal_Teddy) March 24, 2016
You know how Nigerians like to tension women about marriage and just about everything else. There is a theory that women reduce their ages so they can get married due to the pressure.
We hope its just a theory. We really do.