If being a man is not a day’s job, then being a woman will cost you your entire life. Add Nigeria to the mix and its another thing entirely.
Here are a few tips on how to be a woman in Nigeria.
1. Be a boss but don’t be too much of a boss.
Some Nigerian men do not like bosses and women who try to be too independent, it makes you disrespectful. Bad bad bad. Abi do you want to marry yourself?
2. Do not wear skirts above your knees.
They are too tempting please. Don’t you want people to concentrate? If someone rapes you, who would defend you when you’re wearing a mini?
3. Do not be a virgin.
Virgins are too naive and they completely lack technical know-how. Plus it’s too childish.
4. Be a virgin.
Because the state of your hymen is directly proportional to the value of your bride price.
5. Do not menstruate.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned menstruating. No man wants all that crankiness please.
6. Do not turn down men.
Why is your shakara too much? Are you the only woman in the world? Do you want to die in your father’s house?
7. Turn down men.
Because if you don’t everybody is going think it is easy to get into your pants. Do you want a scandal?
8. Do not be fat.
Guys won’t come close because they fear they’d have to pay double for everything. Or that you will kill them in bed.
9. Do not be thin.
Everybody is just going to wonder where all the food is going. Plus no guy is going to like your cup size.
10. Do not become a landlady.
11. Do not be single when you’re over 30.
12. Better take your husband’s last name.
13. Do not make more money than your husband.
Because everybody thinks you’re going to do this.
14. Do not fall in love with younger men.
15. Do not want a career.
Because you will grow wings and abandon your family.
16. Do not be a housewife.
Who wants a liability?
17. Do not do you.
Because you’ll either be too tall or too short or too thin or too fat. Just find the one people can accept and save yourself the trouble.
*drops mic*
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