by Samuel Bukola
Remember that time you had to attend a meeting, or hold a presentation or that school test? Remember how you ran like crazy because you were running late?Well, it is not exactly lateness if you are in Nigeria, we call it African time.
And No, just because African time is common in these parts, does not mean that it doesn’t suck.
So here are a few hacks to make sure you beat African time, especially when using public transport.
1. Don’t pray against traffic.
You can send in a prayer request against traffic. Yes, traffic is that much of a problem. Going out and not meeting traffic is as common as waking and finding a million dollars in your soakaway pit.
Ask this man.
The point is, there’ll always be traffic. Say this slowly;
The. Road. Will. Never. Be. Free.
So instead of praying for the road to be free, find a way to beat the traffic.
Nope, BRT doesn’t always mean you can beat traffic. Ask Ikorodu people.
2. Pray your Danfo driver is ‘alright’.
Now bear in mind that driving under the influence is illegal, and dangerous, but have you seen Lagos drivers? Everyone is high on something, whether its gin or anger. So hope your driver can at least see the road, and LASTMA officials, and find how to beat them as he’s climbing culverts and fast-and-furiousing all over the place.
3. You need Change.
Nope. Not Buhari’s change. Buhari will be fine, but are you going to be fine when the driver pairs you with 4 other passengers because he doesn’t have change to give you for your bus fare?
4. Take the front seat.
Always go for the front seat, not because it is safe (those seat belts are actually decoration,) beside the driver,but because it is probably the only passenger seat that is anything close to soft. Any other one is just hardwood and iron, and people asking you to “move ya yansh”.
So if you are headed somewhere, at least go there in comfort.
5. Know your bus stop.
In Ibadan, some cabbies would reverse when you miss your bus stop.
This is Lagos. You don’t want to be the person that sleeps past their bus stop.
6. You need good headphones.
Because sometimes, you need them to block out the rest of the world and keep a clear head. If you don’t have a pair, good for you, because there’s a man behind you about to start a sermon about why you shouldn’t be a baby boy or girl, why you shouldn’t wear a weave,- because those things are ordered with FedEx straight from the palace of Karashika under the sea,- or why tattoos are bad and sketched with diabolic ink.
If you do have headphones and use them, don’t forget to look outside so you don’t end up at number 5.
7. Makeup is the good servant and bad master.
Forget about that makeup, it’ll be ruined before you even make it through the traffic in the heat, and squeezing.
Wait till you get to your destination, find a private place, then do your thing.
8. Move light.
Keep your load light to avoid stories that touch, you might have to jump out of a moving bus, or jump into another one even faster.
9. Don’t forget your change.
10. You have reached your destination.
Get out of the bus, smile adjust your rumpled shirt and trousers, you made it on time, unlike many.
Go straight to where it is you need to be, but before you enter, say a little prayer, not because the guy in the bus didn’t pray for you after donating impromptu tithe and offering for the ministry, but pray you didn’t forget your papers all in the rush.