Nigerians hate to take responsibility for anything, like it is beneath us to fail. This accounts for why you never hear resignations from public officials when things go completely wrong under their watch.
Or why new administrations spend half the time blaming the previous administrations for all their problems.
If the highest models in our society can do this, then our criminals should probably not do that differently. Confessions are so hard to get from them, and even when they come pass the buck at every turn. So here are the most famous one-liners you’ll get from Nigerian criminals.
1. This is my first time.
Interesting. If by first time, you mean first time you’re getting arrested, that’s fine. Because hopefully it won’t happen again.
2. It is the work of the devil.
And even when you ask devil ‘how far?’, devil will be like, ‘did I force him?’
And sometimes, he’ll be like,
“Nah mehn, this is too much even for me”
3. I’m a graduate but lack of job opportunities pushed me into crime.
We empathise, because the way this country is set up, it pushes you to do strange things. But the people that didn’t rob, do they have two heads?
4. Poverty pushed me into being a criminal.
Werk werk werk werk werk.
Poverty is not a good thing. Robbing people of their property is not a good thing either.
5. I’m only a driver, I don’t rob with them.
Oya say another one.
6. My job is just to keep bullets, I’ve never robbed or killed anybody.
And the bullet is for what? Playing hide and seek or for hunting fish?
7. I was forced into doing this.
They put gun on your head so you could put on other people’s head. Interesting.
9. They told us we were going to party, I didn’t know we were going to rob.
What about the gun in your pocket? Souvenir?
10. If I’m allowed to go now, I will never rob again in my life.
Next time? There will be no next time.