Short Horror Story: My girlfriend is looking for a new church

Keeping a bae in Naija is hard.

Fix It Jesus

First of all there is Buhari in one corner making everything so expensive that I can’t even order ordinary gown for my babe from ASOS for birthday anymore. I can’t even run my gen overnight when she sleeps over and baby geh doesn’t like to mekwe inside heat. I can’t afford restaurant, can’t take her shopping, even to load credit in her phone is by the grace of God.

crying woman

To now make matters worse, my babe is very religious (forget say we kpansh, we love God) and she is in that phase where she has grown tired of the church she grew up in (because they kept asking her when she will marry) and is now looking for a ‘Bible believing church’.

Bible Believing wetin?

Bible Believing wetin?

Wetin I never see for this life.

First she went to Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministry where after reading like a hundred D.K Olukoya books, she stopped wearing jewellery or make up or skirt that is shorter than her ankle.

Punked

For one month she no gree me Mekwe oh!

Wetin I no try, I say make we do night vigil for my house, like play like play na so we pray till morning.

Osuofia hands on head

Na me cause am o

I close eye use my last card buy her lingerie and champagne and candle light dinner. She say Champagne is sinful and the old testament forbids extravagance.

You can’t imagine my joy when her office people gave her query letter for scaring away clients and told her to go to salon and do her hair.

dance woman

 

She now said, she wants to try Orthodox religion and went to join Catholic Church.

Wait What 2

I stopped paying for my gym subscription. What’s the point when my babe is dragging me for morning and evening mass. Kneel down, sit down, stand up, walk to the altar, walk, stand up, sit down, head stand, backflip.

waiting-long bearded

Church be like aerobics class.

I thought that was the worst o, but nooooooo!

My girlfriend now said we must join catechism class so that she can be confirmed and start taking communion. I thought this girl was joking but no. That’s how the two of us joined a class of small, small 12 and 13 year old children to be reciting catechism.

Caleon phone

I’m not crying, there is pepper inna mi eye.

 

See my life outside.

The worst part, because in the Parish we joined, confession is on Friday, Catechism is in Saturday and Holy Communion is on Sunday morning Mass, she now banned weekend Mekwe.

Kuku Kill me

She works from Monday to Thursday so I now started sneaking quickies on friday evening before confession fa. Say what you want, but at least I give her something to confess to the father.

YASSSSSSSS!

YASSSSSSSS!

It was the day she now bought statue of Mary and tried to install it in my parlour that I excommunicated the two of us voluntarily.

Eye roll 3

Girl, bye.

As MFM and old school church wasn’t working for us, my babe now decided to go the opposite way and join a new age pentecostal church.

I wont name the church because their ushers have iPhone 6 plus and powerbank and time to troll to comments and I like my peace of mind, but just know that the church has this end of year convention that is fuller than a Beyonce concert.

It was during this period that she forced us to join the church. I thought I had seen oppression in my life, but I never even start. Baffs oh, bling-bling o, crested white kaftan guys full the place. And the babes ehn, I love my girlfriend oh, but that convention gave me serious chest pain.

Aint nobody got time for y'all

Aint nobody got time for y’all

See all kinds of fresh babes, the kind that are fresher than their Instagram photos with the kind pencil skirt that might as well be leggings. But before temptation can even tempt me, low self esteem correct my brain with slap.

Eye roll

Everybody get accent, everybody travel go abroad, everybody dey prosper. Shame will not even let me jejely drive my Golf 4 out of church after service.

crying little man

But all the oppression I was seeing every Sunday wasn’t even the problem, it was the offerings. Builder’s seed, women’s pledge, doctor’s tithe, layman’s offering, missionary donations, widows mite; any small thing, my girlfriend will chook hand inside purse and remove money.

BadGang6

The day she took my ATM and went to withdraw money to redeem a pledge (wey nobody send her), them no need to ring bell for me say make we find our level.

Bitch Better Have My Money

My babe now said since I don’t like routine and I don’t like prosperity we are going to join T.B Joshua’s church.

Could you not?

Because why?

Again, I have suffered.

If you are ever watching Emmanuel TV and you see one man in the corner where they are doing deliverance squeezing face, just know that it is not me.

Im rich bitch

I don’t know at what point my babe got convinced that the reason we couldn’t settle in a church is because we are cursed and need deliverance, but she has harassed me till we started going to Synagogue Church of All Nations. Then from sunday service we graduated to deliverance service o.

That’s how we will sit down with placard announcing our sickness ‘The Spirit Of Unbelief’ and start waiting to T.B Joshua to see us o! If any other of his other pastors start coming in our direction, this yeye girl will use to style to dodge.

scared

Apparently, if e no be T.B Joshua, e no fit be like T.B Joshua.

My babe threw away my DSTV and went to buy that cable that only shows Christian channels so she can watch Emmanuel TV 24/7 and be disturbing me with,

“Baby come and hear this prophecy!”

Prince

Before I know, the deliverance request on our placard change ‘The spirit of unmarriedness’ and baby girl went to buy wedding gown in faith that I knew it was time to punch the clock.

Cookie leaving prison

From now on, we will do our sunday service in my parlour and read daily devotional.

No be me una go kill.

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