”He cums too quickly…” and other nasty divorce stories we heard this month

Couples at their wedding: For better for worse, for richer for poorer.

Clapping crying

Life be watching like:

Kanayo jam

Divorce sucks, but sometimes, it just looks like the only way for some people to stay sane, or even more importantly, alive.

The month of June, like every other month, has been quite busy for divorce lawyers in Nigeria, and here are a few thing they’ve had to deal with.

1. “He cums too quickly.”

pull out game weak

 

Mrs Ifeanyi Samuel, 33, decided after 9 years of marriage that she had had enough of not having enough. Low sperm count, refusal to take medicine to help, refusal to give her a child, and madam said game over.

Its over

Samuel, 40, admitted his game was weak but said he was waiting for divine intervention.

Nene leakes side eye

 

He thinks she’s cheating though. Whatever. There’s one thing he must know; God made Man. Man made Sobonton. And Pokiriyon. And Toroboye.

Snoop nod

Moral of the story: Guys, rise up. Stay at the top of your game.

 

2. “He’s not a drummer, but he beats me to the hospital.”

“I want a divorce,” wife says. “Request not accepted,” says the husband.

Caleon surprise

 

4 kids and 16 years after saying ‘I do’, Mrs Ebere Oguh has had enough. He beat her when there was no food in the house, he beat her in front of his father, left her in a hospital for three days. She went to her parents, he came, called her a whore. He barred her from seeing the kids.

Hand the mic over to Jude, and he talks about seeing her with another man, turning the kids against him. He didn’t want a divorce though, but the Judge was like:

woman1

 

Marriage dissolved. Husband gets custody of first two kids. Wife, second two.

Moral of the story: No fighting.

 

3. “His willy has in me in stitches.”

Not funny. “Every time he goes in, pain comes out,” Aisha Dannupawa laments to the Shari’a customary court presiding in Zamfara. And everyone in the court goes:

Jordan laughing

Best believe the marriage was only 7 days old. One week, a few painkillers and two rounds of torturous coitus, and poor Aisha was like:

Rihanna1

Ali Mazinari doesn’t mind her divorcing him though, he just wants the bride price and the courtship costs back. Sixty thousand naira. She thinks it is a great deal, because now, she’s already like:

Leaving

Bye Commando Mazinari.

Moral of the story: Guys, not every time penis enlargement medicine, sometimes sex enjoyment lessons.

 

4. “My wife beat me to paralysis.”

Beyonce bat swing

Emmanuel Osuya, 58, has been eating beating since forever, but now, he has had enough. “She beats me everyday with dangerous weapons and paralysed me in 2012,” he said. Add to the fact that she steals his money, starves him of food and knacks, and leaves him with nothing to numb the pain of the punches.

Abigail, the wife in this 33-year boxing film says she still loves her husband. Husband be like:

gaze gif

“I am no longer interested in the marriage, I don’t want to die now, more so now that I am out of love,” he insisted.

Meanwhile, Abigail insists she doesn’t steal his money, or turn their kids against him. “Don’t dissolve our marriage, I still love him.”

Fashola

Moral of the story: Ladies, drop food, and pant, not punches.

 

5. “When he gets drunk on ogogoro, he pees in my soup”

Mujidat Lawal is a housewife, and she’s tired of urine-seasoned soup. So tired she had to go to court. She said, “We’ve been married for eight years, but we have no formal marriage. We have three children.”

Wollup Gif

 

Wollop. No formal marriage? Then what are they trying to divorce?

Confused

 

“He gets so drunk sometimes I have to bail him from the police station,” she lamented.

In his defense, he dropped an epic reply:

tinubu wait for it

 

“I don’t drink ogogoro, I drink beer.”

Obama out

 

Even though there really wasn’t a marriage, the court still dissolved the marriage.

Moral of the story: Guys, don’t get drunk. Ladies, if you must marry a drunk, make sure your pot of soup is out of reach of his penis.

judgejoe

Court.

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