So there you are, with a body count to rival Fela, a baby boy in his prime, just catching trips and enjoying your life. There out of nowhere you’re at a friend’s birthday party, or even church crossing over into the New Year when you meet this girl.
It’s not as if you were even looking for her o but of course one day, monkey go go market, e no go return.
The first thing you notice is the cold that catches you.
Who is this baby henjeh?
It’s not because she’s fine, you’ve seen finer girls than her. It’s not her smartness either, them full your phone book.
You can’t explain it, but this babe is faya!
You that has never dulled in front of a babe before, small ‘Hi’ and you are there chopping mouth like a Jollof rapper.
“Baby geh, what is this angelic music that is coming out of your mouth?”
When she has to go after spending her whole weekend with you.
You wan’t me to die?
They couldn’t pay you enough to drive from Yaba to Surulere before. Now Driving to Ajah feels like five minutes.
You think you have finally collected your mumu button from her, then she does this to you.
Calabashed to infinity and beyond.
You turn on your internet after a whole day of radio silence and she didn’t even send good morning text.
Even single people have MTN
Her friends are always inviting her to parties without you.
My friend, there is rice at home
When you start telling her how the two of you are going to spend the rest of your life together and she tells you ‘Why are you getting all worked up?’
Is this my life?
You’re jejely on Snapchat at 2am and see her in the club giving another man grinds.
What a betrayed!
How your friends react when you confess to them that you have caught feelings.
Hard guy but babe is giving you hypertension.
When all the girls you hurt hear that you’re on Instagram posting ‘deep quotes’ on top of babe.
“My God is not sleeping!”
You people go out on a dates and each time somebody always tries to toast bae.
Please, make my day.
You finally panic and text her all your true feelings and she sends back ‘Kk’
I’m not crying, I just used eye drops.
You take her on romantic dates and you think you finally have her, then she asks that you take things slow.
“How slow, first gear or second gear? Edge or 3G. Be specific please I’m having chest pains.”
So you corner her and ask her what’s wrong and she starts giving you lyrics like, ‘I don’t want to hurt you. I’m toxic.’
“I don’t mind, I have sanitizer.”
Then she tells you point blank. “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
Don’t let me disgrace the two of us here.
You start calling every day with strange numbers because she has blocked you everywhere.
It’s been one month of tweeting deep quotes and going to beg for knacks from all your exes and you still feel hollow and lifeless.
“Dear Oloni, how do I get over a heart break?”
It takes a while but you finally get over her and return to your hoeing ways.
Bitches, I’m back!
Then she texts you six months later, but she doesn’t know your mumu button has changed address.
You have failed, you jezebel!