1. Nigerian fathers and “When I was your age”.
“I used to carry first even without writing exams.”
2. “This woman come and see your son!” for when you do something borderline wrong or foolish.
“He got this rubbish behaviour from you.”
3. But when you come first at anything, he’ll be like “That’s my boy!”
“He took after his father!”
4. What is a Nigerian father if he hasn’t yelled “Gimme the remote”, then changed stations to the network news, and promptly slept off?
Because if it ain’t on a News channel, you’re doing it wrong.
5. “What do you know they use money for?”
I want to be dashing people on the street, sir.
6. ”Do you think I pluck money from trees?”
Yes sir. Just like I was on my own when you and mummy plucked me from heaven.
7. ”Where do you think you’re going?”
I was going out, but my room now looks like the safe place to go.
8. “You think it’s me you’re doing?”
Does that mean you never have to say “You’ve disgraced me” anymore?
9. When you try to argue with them or disagree on something.
Haba daddy, nobody is dragging it with you. You are the Baale and Lion of the jungle.
10. ”Don’t let me give you dirty slap this afternoon.”
I wonder what clean slap is.
11. ”Go and bring my belt.”
Daddy, child abuse is not good oh!
12. “If you get any girl pregnant, you’re going to be selling yoghurt inside traffic.”
Daddy but… never mind.
13. ”Go and meet your mother.”
14. ”You are not serious.”
I actually am, dad. I just seem to be screwing up at the moment.
15. When you say ”daddy I’m sorry” and he gives you the classic.