GIRLS ARE BOYS (WITH BOOBS)
Dont be fooled by the figure 8 and those Double D’s. Every guy who grew up with an elder sister knows underestimating how strong and/or vicious a girl can be would be to set yourself up for a world of hurt.
Girls love rough play, eat like horses and have the most earth shattering farts. And trust me, they fight dirty and will beat the shit out of you if you double cross them. Just like any boy.
ALL WOMEN STRUGGLE WITH INSECURITIES
If there’s anything growing up with elder sisters teaches you, it’s that girls struggle with a lot of insecurities. There is so much pressure on them, so many expectations from so many quarters that they struggle to keep up, and beat themselves up for not being perfect.
So be careful about what you say to, and around them maybe?
PERIOD BOOBS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
So many guys (even ones with elder sisters) are so clueless about periods, you’d think we were still in the Stone Ages. Periods happen people. To every woman of child bearing age. Its the body’s way of saying ‘Hey we dodged the pregnancy bullet for one more month.’ It’s the ultimate detox, its annoying as hell.
When a woman doesn’t have periods, its one of three things; horomonal imbalance, some sort of illness or birth control. None of which is great. There is also such a thing as too much of a period. Once a girl’s period crosses the seven day threshold, odds are something is seriously wrong with the plumbing.
Periods happen, get over it. (If you’re going to say anything during a period, do it with a back rub and chocolates, or don’t do it at all)
PADS VS TAMPONS
You really expect all these guys who don’t know what a period is to know the difference between a pad and a tampon. Or even what a pad is? Smh.
Listen up cos we’ll only say this once. Pads go into your panties, and look sort of like skate board with flaps. Tampons are about the size of a thumb, go into your vagina, and cannot break hymens or cause orgasms (save for very rare occasions). We could tell you more, but that’s why you have Google. Use it and flourish.
DONT MESS WITH HER PMS
Yup, its real. Any guy who has elder sisters will confirm that much.
When your entire body conspires with your vagina to cause you supreme discomfort while blood literally drip-drips out of your body for days on end; you’re bound to get pissed off by the even the tiniest bit of incompetence. And Nigerian men =/= incompetence. So do us a favor and stay away.
A SEX DRIVE IS SOMETHING BOTH GENDERS HAVE
With the number of times any guy who grew up with elder sisters has had to lie for them, or help them jump the fence so they can go get some paynus, they are well aware of the fact, that contrary to what Nollywood and your partriarchal man of God tells you, women like sex.
They’ll even initiate sex, if they know you aren’t a blabbermouth fuck boy who can’t stop bragging. So shut up and get laid, maybe?
Also, when you thought you were fucking your way through her group of friends, maybe, just maybe they were the ones passing you around.
A LITTLE LESSON ABOUT GENITALIA
It’s mind boggling how many men don’t know that urine and babies don’t come out of the same hole. Yup, women have three orifices down there, not the two you think you’re well acquainted with. Plus there are all the external stuff, like labia majora and minora, the clit, the vagina, etc.
Also, no woman past puberty is naturally bald down there. Considering you stopped shaving entirely after your solitary encounter with a tube of Veet, you might want to cut them some slack about the pubic hair.
THERE IS SUCH A THING AS GIRL TALK
Now this might come as a surprise to a lot of you stoic first born types, but Girl Talk is a real thing.
Girl talk revolves entirely around and about everything other than boys. They talk about businesses, makeup, weaves, movies, music. You name it, they talk about it. They just don’t talk about YOU, or how hot you think you are, or how great your stroke game is. This might be a shock, but we know your ego will pull you through.
When they do talk about you though, they will with extreme prejudice and excruciating detail. So don’t forget to shower, and change your underwear everyday and don’t scratch and sniff in public.
SARCASM IS EARNED NOT GIVEN
Nigerian mothers don’t get their license in sarcasm the day they give birth to their first child. It is honed by years of shepherding block headed younger brothers through childhood and then puberty. By the time they get married, they’re on the same shade level as Prince, or Mariah Carey.
Best believe that two out of three compliments you receive from a girl who isn’t slobbering over your ‘hotness’ is thinly veiled insult, and check yourself before you wreck yourself.
MUGU BOYFRIENDS ARE A NATIONAL TREASURE
Whenever you see a guy who is not very bright but constantly boasts about his 100/100 track record toasting babes, you know instinctively that this one grew up without an elder sister. The Mugu boyfriend (or string of mugu boyfriends) is a common landmark in a girl’s life. Sort of like a McDonalds or a Mobile ATM.
Usually guys who think gifts and money are substitute for a personality. They ensure that younger brothers and sisters everywhere get their daily dose of ice-cream, suya, pocket money and sharwama.
WOMEN HAVE MOOD SWINGS
Just PMS and periods, odds are a girl isn’t lying if she tells you she has mood swings. Just being a girl in Nigeria is enough to put you in a mental institution, let alone small mood swings. But if you want logical reasons why a girl might have them:
Puberty, birth control pills (so you dont come and dabaru their lives with your no-condom wearing ass), societal pressure etc etc.
Still think being a girl is easier?
FASHION REALLY ISNT THAT HARD
Rompers and playsuits; not the same thing. Skinny jeans and stove pipe jeans; not the same thing. Contour and highlights; not the same thing. Lipstick and Lipstain; not the same thing. Evening dresses and cocktail dresses; not the same thing. Chiffon and tulle; not the same thing. Eyeliner and eye shadow; most certainly not the same thing.
See, if you’d grown up with an elder sister, you’d know the difference.
WE ALL NEED FEMINISM
We saved this one for last, because even a lot of guys with elder sisters have a hard time understanding this. Only guys with elder sisters who beat or educated some sense into them understand that just because a woman has a vagina doesn’t mean she can be treated like shit and denied opportunities.
Feminism really isn’t that hard, all women want is the same opportunities you have, in spite of the fact that they have a vagina.
You might have to change some diapers, wash plates and wash plates but what’s that in the face of equal rights for all?